Illustration: Camila Kukulski

What to do when Mother Nature thinks parkas and shorts are the new fad

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By Nathaniel Crouch

Ah, the months of March and April. When mornings are cold enough to make one’s digits very blue and afternoons make people sweat enough to resemble a Niagara Falls cosplay, many people are unable to form solutions to the temperature hell that our beloved baby boomers have left us. With frostbite and pit stains on the mind, we’ve compiled a list of ways to work through the upcoming months with daily randomly generated seasons.

1. Tear-Away Clothes: Channel your inner John Cena for the moments you decide your outfit of the day. Sure, it’s an investment into tear-away shirts, pants, sweaters and socks but it’ll be well worth it when the sun rears its Randy Orton-looking face and you’re ready to go with a nice t-shirt, shorts and un-ironic “You can’t see me” socks.

2. Just bring your entire closet with you: Follow me for a second—within your closet, you’ve got all the equipment and gear to survive the newest physical evidence of global warming, but you’ve just got a transportation problem, it’s difficult to bring all the necessary gear with you. Found on Amazon for the low price of two grams of shredded  boomslang skins and six inches of gillyweed, Hermione’s never-ending hand purse with unlimited storage space acts as a remedy for needing a parka at 8 a.m., a studded leather jacket at 11 a.m. and a tank top for 3 p.m.

3. Online courses: The new trend to facing nature’s increasing instability is (apparently) ignorance. Throw on some pyjamas, open up D2L and some Netflix and ensure your semester will be spent in a haze of procrastination, pizza pockets and forgetting what natural light looks like.

4. Suffer: If you’re a beautiful combination of Canadian and realizing exactly how much you pay per each and every class, you’ve come to the conclusion you’ll simply have to suffer each time you’re out in fresh air.

Remember, folks: Mother Nature’s attempting to bring you the pain she’s had for years, ignore that and pray July doesn’t have a blizzard.

Congratulations! If you’re reading this, you’ve made it to the end of this article. Full disclosure: none of what you just read is real. Satire is a noun that describes the use of humour, irony, exaggeration, or ridicule to expose and criticize people’s stupidity or vices, particularly in the context of contemporary politics and other topical issues. Do the world a favour, share this story and try not to take the Fun and Satire section so seriously—we certainly don’t.

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