By Nathaniel Crouch
We bring you this week’s weird and wacky campus security reports:
Phoney fraudster fibs about Children Toy Foundation
An unknown individual posing as a Children Toy Foundation member went around asking Ryerson University community members for their money last week. Phoney fraudster alert! Security later passed over their intel to Toronto Police Service. The foundation has not claimed responsibility for the requests for investments, so please don’t trust anyone.
Thief tries his best but falls just short of mediocre
A community member sitting on the outside seats of Balzac’s reported someone tried to steal their bag—and failed, on Nov. 8. The would-be thief then fled the scene without any treasure. Their failure resulted in minor property damage and more importantly, tarnishing the university bag thieves’ self-image everywhere.
Just because they forgot your soy milk doesn’t mean you have to ruin someone else’s day
On Nov. 9, some fucking dill-weed had the audacity to get coffee and head to the intersection of Victoria and Gould streets. They then had the rational thought to spit said caffeinated beverage all over an unsuspecting community member. The shithead in question then spat coffee onto the innocent person’s belongings, arms and face. Luckily, no injuries have been reported. Still, we really do hope that coffee spewer has a shitty rest of the year. Better yet, we wish upon them only 7-Eleven coffee for the rest of their days.