By Zachary Roman
A recent discovery of Gould Street blueprints shows that construction on campus is taking so long because former Ryerson Students’ Union (RSU) president Ram Ganesh is building an apocalypse-proof bunker.
Joe Mama, a construction worker, revealed that the Campus Core Revitalization Project is a cover-up for the Veri-Shlow Construction Project. Mama confirmed Veri-Shlow is Ganesh’s plan to keep an eye on Ryerson students while hiding out for his safety in a bunker.
Last year, financial statements were obtained indicating $273,000 were allegedly spent on two RSU credit cards during Ganesh’s time in office. Following the scandal, Ganesh disappeared. In July, he was found hiding out in Cuba before cashing out his beach-side villa stocks and returning to Toronto in early September. Ganesh went unnoticed at first, until second-year chemistry student Nomore Liys saw him passed out in a bathroom at Cineplex Rec Room, apparently taking a nap.
Liys unlocked Ganesh’s phone and called him an Uber to his preset home address, which was set to the middle of Gould Street in front of Balzac’s. “I thought it was weird that his home was in the middle of the construction,” said Liys.
The first thing I looked for was a set of blueprints of the Veri-Shlow Construction Project. One lock-picking tutorial on YouTube later and I had broken into the Veri-Shlow’s headquarters in the Student Campus Centre.
Once discovered, the Veri-Shlow’s Gould Street blueprints showed a last-minute addition labelled “Ram Bunker.”
The bunker was to be 20×20 metres in size and built underneath Gould Street. The blueprints showed a small kitchen, bathroom, cold cellar and a periscope peeking out just above the concrete. The front door was padlocked and made out of thick, blast-proof steel. It seemed the only way to secure an interview was to wait outside and ambush Ganesh when he least expected it.
I camped outside the door all night with my finger on the “record voice” button and a wire at the ready.
At 11:34 a.m. the next day, Ganesh stumbled out of the door with a dart behind each ear and a beard that would have put the cast of Duck Dynasty to shame. He was wearing a tattered Louis Vuitton hoodie draped over Roots sweatpants. Still, I was weary—you never know when someone could be pulling the classic “Uncle Iroh in the fire nation prison in season three of ‘Avatar: The Last Airbender’” trick.
Ganesh agreed to speak with me on the record as long as I promised not to reveal where his bunker was. But Ganesh also promised to represent students’ best interests with dignity and integrity when he was elected, so we all make promises we don’t keep.
“I wanted my bunker to have the nuclear-war-proof safety of the Diefenbunker mixed with the minimalist charm of Bugs Bunny’s burrow,” said Ganesh. “Without the RSU credit card to use at the LCBO, it’ll sure be hard to replenish the stockpiles.”
With Toronto’s ridiculous housing market, Ganesh could barely afford to build his new bunker. According to the Veri-Shlow Construction Project, the cost of constructing the bunker was $495,000, which pushed completion back to the end of the fall semester.
Ryerson president Mohamed Lachemi refused to comment on the bunker and called Ganesh a “PR nightmare he wouldn’t like to revisit.” Former RSU president Maklane deWever, who took over for Ganesh after his impeachment, said, “it’s on sight,” if he ever sees Ganesh.
Ganesh garnered support from one student. “I applaud his commitment to exploit the working class and recklessly spend cash,” said @burnsy_99, third-year business management student. He was clad in $3,000 worth of designer clothing for his 8 a.m. lecture. He refused to provide any information except his Instagram handle. Devoid of life and ethics, @burnsy_99 admits, “If the system lets you fuck people over, go for it.”
When Ganesh opened his door and stumbled out, I managed to stick a tiny microphone just on the roof of his bunker, hoping to discover more. What I found out was much sadder than I ever could have imagined.
The first night that I listened in, Ganesh was on the phone with his mom. Holding back tears, he told her that he always wanted to get featured on VICE Canada for his passion designing hideout bunkers—not an alleged credit card scandal. “It’s been, like, a year, and you haven’t even been charged with anything yet,” his mom’s response crackled through the speakerphone.
The next night, I only heard an unholy, shrieking, honking display of saxophone, occasionally punctuated with George Michael’s “Careless Whispers.” It seems not even the money spent at Long & McQuade went to good use.
On the third night, Ganesh repeatedly watched the ending of “The Incredibles,” chanting in unison with The Underminer: “I’m always beneath you, but nothing is beneath me! Soon, all will tremble before me!”
There are currently no leads on what Ganesh is planning in that bunker, besides looking through his periscope, so stay alert, Ryerson. Ganesh is lurking under our feet.