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Fun & Satire

Job application tab closed after three months, student finally feels peace

By Lyba Mansoor 

Ryerson student Jolyni Cujoh was finally set free from an impending job application.

The fourth-year English student is reported to have had the application tab open for three months. She would visit the tab once every few hours, every single day for the past ninety days. 

“When I clicked on it yesterday, I saw the deadline for applying had passed. My eyes welled up, I couldn’t believe it…I was finally free,” she told The Eye through tears, while smiling. 

Cujoh, a notorious tab hoarder, had been particularly attached to that tab and her potential.

She held a small ceremony of goodbye before closing the tab early Tuesday afternoon.

“It was just a few of my close family and friends, plus me and my laptop. Nothing too fancy. My dad hired someone to play the organ while I hit exit, which I thought was very elegant,” she said. 

Cujoh said she felt the deadline passing was finally her chance to exit the tab, referring to her circumstances as a “fresh start.” 

“I just felt like I could breathe again. It felt better than an orgasm. Like, almost as good as when you finally pick a popcorn kernel out of your teeth,” she said. 

Her father said he too was immensely relieved once the deadline had passed and the tab was closed.

“Seeing your kid like that, with a tab they just can’t close, no parent should ever have to go through that,” he said.

Enuf Iznuf, Cujoh’s close friend, reported seeing her open up another tab for a job application just hours after closing the first.  

“I did open a new job application to fill out. Yes, I’ve opened it and haven’t gotten a chance to look yet. I swear I’ll get around to this one though, I don’t see what the big rush is,” Cujoh said. 

Innuf said Cujoh has a long history of leaving job applications open and then never finishing them.

“It was great to see her finally be able to let go of that old tab, but I’m afraid she’s moving on too fast. I just don’t think she’s ready to let another job application into her browser yet,” said Iznuf.

Now that Cujoh has less of a burden on her shoulders, she’s excited to spend her jobless summer looking for new tabs to keep her on edge.

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