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Fun & Satire

Ryerson students realize they peaked in kindergarten

By Zarmminaa Rehman  

Much of the Ryerson student body is coming to the realization that they’ve been fighting a downhill battle ever since they graduated kindergarten.

For students like fourth-year fashion student Leila Snippet, the idea of coming out from the pandemic victorious and a new-and-improved version of themselves was a major motivator to keep going. But now, Ryerson students are facing an ugly truth: they’ll never be better than they were as a five-year-old.

“I thought I was destined for the fashion world,” cried Snippet, holding yet another failed outfit design in her hands. It seems that even the promising A’s on her kindergarten report card that she got for scissor-handling skills couldn’t prepare her for the tough road ahead in the fashion department.

It is unclear how this realization came about. For Snippet, the last straw was a combination of completing her last 13 design assignments for THP 845 — Costume III, and another email from Ryerson president Mohamed Lachemi detailing how the university is once again staying online, which prompted her to question why she was even here in the first place. 

“All those years of hard work in Mrs. M’s class, finger painting, abstract self-portraits and hand-turkeys, are gone

The weeks leading up to this awareness forced many students to go through the five stages of grief. Some still remain teetering between depression and acceptance, we all experience sadness at our own pace.

First-year student Morris Style is going from an undeclared arts major to being an undeclared university student as he wallows about his broken abstract vision. 

“All those years of hard work in Mrs. M’s class, finger painting, abstract self-portraits and hand-turkeys, are gone. Just poof,” grieved Style. “I thought that ‘arts’ meant visual arts but then I was forced to choose HISTORY courses!? Now I have to break this news to my biggest fan: Mom!”

When questioned about her son’s university journey and talent, Jane Style was quite hesitant in pointing out a memorable piece. 

“It’s quite a relief he won’t be continuing art because his finger painting is well…shocking. Between you and me, he can’t tell the difference between colours and only uses his favourite colour, orange, for ALL his artwork.”

“Obviously I didn’t want to be straight and break his heart,” she continued. “I suggested that he take some career quizzes and also donate his artwork to local schools—maybe they can get some use out of them as tablecloths or repainting over the canvases.”

Third-year student Murial Temple and her family are glad she’s realized where she is NOT supposed to be: the Ryerson performance arts program.

She claims that she didn’t peak in kindergarten, instead, that people simply don’t see her potential. Her father, Arber Temple, told The Eyeopener she has no acting ability though she’s always been a tad bit dramatic throughout her life. 

“We were invited to her junior kindergarten school play where she played Oak Tree #3 and we guess the compliments got to her head, because ever since then her only acting style has been as dry as tree bark,” explained Temple.

Temple wasn’t available for an interview, as her father said she’s booking a ticket to New York City to star as the moving forest in Macbeth.

While Temple might still be pursuing her passion, mathematics major Anthony Mods is focusing his honed talents on a slightly different path. 

“All my life I believed numbers were for me. I was the best at counting to 10 in senior kindergarten,” he recounted. “Once I even counted to 50, while disregarding the 40 numbers in between.” 

“I finally get it now; kindergarten was the height of my maths career, but not the height of my sports career. I should have embraced the high after winning the sports day ladybug race instead.”

Mods will now be heading off to start his onward journey by creating a ladybug race league, where people dress up as ladybugs and run to the finish line.

As a small motivation from Mods to others students, he left us with a sliver of wisdom: 

“I have a dream one day to bring another race into the big leagues: the Roly Poly race. Participants will need to roll on the ground in order to win, symbolizing that, in a way, we’re all rolling towards the greatest line of all…the finished line.” 

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