By Amna Saeed
Disclaimer: This is a satirical piece and none of these people actually exist. Thank God.
Hey guys, it’s Overlord! Your friendly (debatable) neighbourhood advice columnist. Looks like y’all came crawling back…again! I can’t say I’m surprised. What else do Toronto Metropolitan University (TMU) students do other than look for answers from a faceless genius?
I may not be artificial intelligence but I assure you I can answer your burning questions just as fast—and without any semblance of human emotion. Let’s get to the people who want to complain—and since this is TMU, there’s a lot. So chat, if you’re feeling cooked, I can help.
Dear Overlord: Help! I really want to pass my exam but I was sooo sick for two lectures and I wasn’t able to make notes and the exam is TOMORROW!! The professor said to borrow notes from someone but I don’t want to talk to anyone in that class! What do I do???????????? Also, love your column. – @urfav1
Dude, I’m not your professor, why are you lying to me? We both know you weren’t sick, I’ll bet the class is just at 8 a.m. I do have advice for you though, don’t worry! Just go to your classes!
Also, If the exam is tomorrow…why are you writing here? Go study and if you need notes, just work up the guts to ask someone. Judging by your username, you probably talk enough online. Put those skills to use in real life. Thanks for loving my column but maybe love it after your exams!
Dear Overlord: My (REDACTED) professor won’t (REDACTED) accept my assignment late because of the stupidest (REDACTED) (REDACTED) reason. He teaches one of my upper liberal studies courses but I’m in one of the most difficult undergraduate programs: fashion. I had to do background plaid alignment checks at the “Marxist Punk in Colour” fashion show and had to go all the way to the Harbourfront because it was in some guy’s studio apartment. I don’t know why the designer paid him extra to use his apartment—he literally has a huge house. But my professor didn’t let me waive the assignment even though I told him I had to sleep after. Like what, am I not allowed to sleep for a bit? I don’t care that the assignment was due a day before the show, I literally had to prep! What should I do? – @cyb0rgeater
Sweetie, I’m virtually holding your hand right now. As a fashion student myself, I totally understand that we need more time and resources! Not you though. You probably just had to write an essay. Just do it for (REDACTED) sake. Harbourfront isn’t that far, and also, plaid alignment checks? What if it isn’t aligned, are you going to restitch the garment? I am genuinely asking. Also, stop saying stuff like (REDACTED) or (REDACTED), I keep having to remove the stupid (REDACTED) thing. I feel like a senior citizen having to tell you not to swear and I hate feeling old. Just submit your other assignment because I’m trying to submit mine. (REDACTED) bye!
Dear Overlord, Where should I study if all the study rooms are always booked? Love you. – @constantlycrying
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Whoops, sorry guys…Whiskers got on my keyboard again. Anyways, I’m a fellow TMU student, so a crashout is expected! Go ask someone around you, unless you really don’t talk to anyone but the codes on your screen. I can give you some suggestions though:
● Balzac’s – A decent choice to consider once you’ve finished charging all your devices, because for some godforsaken reason they decided to open a cafe in the middle of a university campus with two outlets.
● International Living/Learning Centre (ILC) – You can feel relieved that you don’t live there—unless you do, in which case…
● Ted Rogers School of Management – It’s ideal because you can look at all the business students and feel superior since they’re definitely looking at you and feeling superior. You should play this game I created with my friends: take a break every time you see a guy who isn’t inexplicably dressed in a suit (we were trying to lock in).
● Study rooms – Literally just book them sooner…it’s not like it’s hard.
Dear Overlord, I was walking down the Kerr Hall South (KHS) wing and I thought I saw this girl looking at me from one of the open classrooms. When I doubled back to check again, somebody moved right in front of her and started adjusting her outfit as I tried to look. I went back the same way again and she was there again! Should I talk to her? – @futuretmu__engineer.
Erm…hate to break it to ya, sweetie. You do know that KHS has all the fashion rooms right…and they have a lot of dressed up mannequins.
Dear Overlord, Hey, how are you? I’m a man taking a women’s history course this semester to improve my skills with the ladies. I’m not going to say the course name because I don’t want to be doxxed but so many of the women there don’t seem to listen to me. I just think that women won’t get anywhere without understanding the male perspective and I really just want to speak my truth without getting cancelled. What should I do? – @feminismisformentoo
So, let me get this straight. You’re a man and you want to speak in a women’s history class to get your perspective understood. Who’s heard this story before? All I’m going to say is that every woman in this class sounds great!
Dear Overlord, I almost slipped on ice again when I was walking to my exam and I was late. What should I do in the future to prevent this? – @culturedgirl
Well damn Jackie, I can’t control the weather.
Have a burning, yearning question for Overlord? Email our resident advice columnist at idontgivetwoshitsaboutyourproblems@torontomu.ca
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