By Sorousheh Salman
Cultural and familial norms play a large part in navigating personal relationships for some students at Toronto Metropolitan University (TMU).
Many unique challenges can arise from the intersection between someone’s personal relationships and values upheld by their background—in areas such as parental approval, language barriers, cultural standards and more.
Tanvi Yenna, an individual and couples therapist at the Toronto Relationship Clinic, specializes in people navigating the complex intersection of cultural traditions and personal relationships. She provides strategies for clients who are seeking to navigate their values amid traditional pressures.
Yenna said for some, people feel “like their parents’ expectations are a moving target that they can try and hit, but the goalpost will always move further…knowing that can help release the fears that come with not following cultural values.”
Malika Mona, a TMU alumna in law and business, has seen the many sides to finding a partner while in a traditional family. Although her parents left choosing a partner to her, she said she still felt pressures associated with who she could be with, when and gender roles in the relationship.
“It is really taboo about going and mixing with other cultures”
Mona said she wanted to be with someone from within her religion, which she found in her partner Deen Hassan, a fifth-year global management student at TMU. Beyond religion, she faced the concern of her parents—who grew up in a “traditional sense”—questioning how she could be with someone outside of her Bengali culture.
“There is always [some questioning from family] like, ‘Oh, how are you going to get along with someone? How are you going to trust this person for your life,’” she said.
Mona said growing up in a culture that predominantly places men on a pedestal made her feel like she had to prioritize her partner over herself. She expressed that if she adhered to those cultural norms, it would lead to her consistently putting her partner’s needs before her own.
“I wanted someone who would be more open and would have a breath of perspective when it comes to gender roles and how your partner supports each other,” said Mona. “Luckily, I am a middle child. I’m not the eldest sister. I don’t have to break all the norms and my sister really paved the way for me to make it easier to introduce someone as a boyfriend.”
According to Yenna, people in relationships can be stuck in familial or cultural expectations and still work to protect their partners at the same time.
“I think a lot of people worry about what we will lose if we don’t follow our parents’ wishes,” she said. “I think [couples] have to figure out, ‘Am I really losing something, and also what am I gaining by having this person in my life?’”
Hassan shared that his parent’s ideologies were very open-minded and he was not exposed to many people of a similar background to him.
“My [Caribbean] background hasn’t really influenced my decision just because where I grew up, I didn’t even have a lot of people from my culture around me,” said Hassan. “Looking for someone in my culture hasn’t really occurred to me. So I’ve always been kind of more open to people outside of my culture.”
This is not the case for first-year nursing student Abi Jana, whose romantic relationships were always assumed—by herself, her parents and those around her—to stay within her Sri Lankan culture.
“Expectations were always [about] finding someone from my [culture]…It is really taboo about going and mixing with other cultures,” Jana said.
According to Yenna, for the most part, parents consider it more important for them to have their child in their life and be honest with them than for them to follow their expectations.
“Some people’s parents are like…‘So am I happy with [my kid’s] choice? No, but I’m still going to stick around,’” she said.
Jana shared that living in a current and younger generation, she and her cousins have become more accepting of exploring other cultures compared to what her parents grew up with.
“I wanted someone from my culture…even though my partner is a little bit distant from his culture. That’s just the way he grew up,” said Jana about her partner, first-year business management student Jathy Nareshkumar.
Because of how she was raised, Jana said she is trying to slowly expose her partner to various aspects of their shared culture in a positive light.
Yenna explained that everybody comes from a culture each with its distinctive beliefs, and while it is important to be understanding, being in love is not a harmful act.
“The guilt might not ever go away, but that doesn’t mean it has to be the primary feeling or take up space in your life,” said Yenna.
Jana said it’s up to each person to look at whether what they’ve been taught or told aligns with who they are.
“Morals and beliefs are something that you are taught from a young age. You have to decide if you want to keep those or if you’re going to break free from them,” she said. “So I think self-reflection is the [best] thing to do.”
After going through the turmoil of being a teenager, Mona shared that once she began carrying a more mature attitude, it allowed her to develop a strong relationship with her mother.
“When I introduced [Hassan] to my mother, she was wary but knew I had a good head on my shoulders and I was as honest as I could be with her,” she said. “I think that really helped me introduce [Hassan] to the [rest of the] family.”
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