By Claire Van De Weghe
Disclaimer: This article is purely satirical. None of us can afford to get into an art gala this exclusive anyways.
Toronto Metropolitan University’s (TMU) student-run Art Collective has taken over the Image Arts Centre with promises of a bold new reimagining of artistic presentation.
Following weeks of preparation and $3 million of exhibit expenses, the Hoity Toity Art Gala has opened its doors to the top one per cent who can afford its hefty admission fees.
Though the event is incredibly exclusive, we at The Eyeopener have finally caved in to months of the Art Collective begging and bribing us, and have been given VIP tickets. Here’s what you missed.
“I’m just trying to make a statement”
Richard Richington, a sixth-year business and fine arts double major and founder of the TMU Art Collective, gave a commencement speech to the crowd. He then pulled out a giant pair of diamond-encrusted scissors to cut the red ribbon and officially open the doors to select members of the public.
As the mobs of the upper class entered—ignoring the frustrated students trying to get to their classes in the Image Arts Centre—the criminally underpaid wait staff carried trays of hors d’oeuvres, offering them to the attendees. According to one server, they were told the menu was supposed to evoke a certain ingénue.
“I don’t know, man. I just work here,” the anonymous waiter said. “And yes, the little card that says ‘White rhino steak’ is labelled right. These rich people may be crazy, but at least the tips are decent.”
Richington presented the first piece of the night, which just so happened to be his own creation. A custom-built oil fountain which fracked directly from the ground beneath the TMU campus. He called the piece “Well of Debt.”
“It’s really about the wasteful nature of our consumerist society and its tendency to take from the land,” Richington told our reporter after trying to mansplain Bitcoin to her five times. “You know, some people say what I’m doing is morally questionable, but really, I’m just trying to make a statement to the people in power.”
Self-proclaimed “multidimensional artist” and in her fifth year of TMU’s entry undeclared arts program, Sara Silverspoon was one of the first who gathered interest around her “nonconformist” art pieces.
“I think my art is more of a feeling”
Her series of displayed works ‘crush/ed,’ are what she calls “multimedia events.” Ordinary folks call them looping videos of ceramic plates being crushed by bulldozers projected on a white wall. According to Silverspoon, her art is supposed to be “evocative in the way only breaking things is.”
“In this piece, I’m really trying to reflect on how it feels to be a woman, but also, like, my childhood,” she said. “I think my art is more of a feeling, you can’t really understand it if you don’t feel it.”
Before further comment could be given, Silverspoon turned around and stared at the floor for the rest of the show. Some viewers believed it was a piece of performance art, while others tried to shake her from what they thought was a deep, open-eyed sleep.
The night ended with a musical art performance from twin artists and on-call TMU students FR1AR, who used a combination of Gregorian chanting and synth organ melodies to create a piece which perfectly encapsulated the event.
“We haven’t had this good of a time since the Bohemian Grove in 1999″
With help from their semi-legally owned pet monkey, FR1AR poured paint on themselves and took to the stage to perform the cha-cha slide. When asked about their creative inspiration, the twins said their mentors, The Blue Man Group, had been the most influential.
“They really create a moment, and that’s what we want to do with our art too. We think we did that tonight,” FR1AR said in unison. “We haven’t had this good of a time since the Bohemian Grove in 1999. Thank you, TMU.”
“The TMU Art Collective’s Hoity Toity Art Gala will continue to be open all week to students willing to pour their entire life savings into one admission ticket. Visit www.tmuartcollective-ingyourmoney.ca to purchase your ticket. Student card discounts do not apply.
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