By Peyton Andino
Disclaimer: This story is merely a parody of nature documentaries. The Eyeopener has yet to greenlight such an ambitious project (media editors, please respond to my DMs).
Ahh, the beautiful ecosystems of Canada. The ecological diversity that lies within each province and territory never ceases to astound the average person, with rolling mountains and beautiful prairies that stretch as far as the eye can see.
Today, we’ll be looking at one very special place that houses the most melancholy, parasitic creatures. A haven away from home for many and a ‘dog-eat-dog’ environment for those who frequent its grounds.
This is Toronto. Its natural ability to contain an overwhelming amount of biodiversity while never quite having enough space to house its animals has earned this area the nickname of “Ontario’s butthole,” after a contested competition with the arguably more horrific biosphere of Hamilton, Ont.
Here they come. This, you see, is a common “studentious tormetropoletius.” If you turn your gaze to their branded lanyard holding their OneCard, this particular creature goes by Anita Joub.
As you can see in their hands, just behind their chewed-up nails lies a “Canvanius resumeus,” otherwise known as a Canva resume. Their feeble mind imagines the slightly off-centre slip of paper will leave terrifying job recruiters impressed and in awe. Little does the unemployed Joub know, they aren’t the only ones scouring the streets for employment.
At this time of year, the usual job-mating routine of networking events has become scarce, leaving the tormetropoletius to seek opportunities on the dangerous jungle floor lined with vicious predators and harrowing scenery—a place otherwise known as Yonge Street.
Look now! A studentious tormetropoletius of the Ted Rogers School of Management (TRSM) variety! See how he quietly sneaks up behind the unsuspecting and underpaid bank worker on their lunch break. The worker attracts this attention unwillingly, as its natural instruction is to wear a startlingly bright blue collared shirt. Does the hunter know that the bank worker will just feed his resume to the even more influential artificial intelligence that can’t read the PNG provided to it? The TRSM student does not care to find out and he pounces on the banker with a loud, “Did you know I’m a Vice President of Events?”
And over here! The watering hole—also known as Chipotle—is where the tormetropoletius use the money their ancestors left for them in order to obtain sustenance. We’re back to Joub, and the line ahead of them is filled with countless others of its kind, sharing the same convictions.
Observe closely as Joub’s weight shifts from one foot to another and they position themselves in front of the exasperated Fasteous Foodus Employus. This begins a staredown, where both creatures use their wits to fight against each other.
On Joub’s side is the speed at which their fingers can type, honed by years of hatred put into Rate My Professors reviews concerning open elective courses they inarguably chose to take. Employus will not back down—she has resilience. Countless others have come before Joub, and it is her biological duty to turn them away until the end.
Up in the treetops of this jungle, one hears the squawks between the avian species known as workus cineplexus. The cast member, as she is scientifically referred to, uses her company-mandated shrill call of the walkie-talkie to rally her assistant manager—who makes only three dollars more than her—to join in their fight against a crowd of job-hungry studentious tormetropoletius.
The flimsy protection of retractable fabric barriers cannot hold the tormetropoletius back for long. Armed with dented popcorn scoops and frivolous, popping oil-stained uniforms, the staff of the theatre repeat the same sounds to scare away their natural predators.
“You can apply on Workday! Just go there!” they scream, to no avail.
It appears this ecosystem—held up by the widespread inability for students to find employment—has ensured that the circle of jobs can only come by recommendation or sheer goddamn luck.
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