By Peyton Andino

Disclaimer: This is where I’d usually put a disclaimer, but this is pretty likely to have happened. Uhh…just don’t, maybe?

For third-year biomedical engineering student Veronica Chan, the call of “big money, big money!” from horse race betting on FanDuel was a bit too alluring.

Chan found herself at the mercy of the ponies after losing all $700 worth of student loans on the, albeit roughly translated, Annual Bulgarian Run of Equine.

“I really, really thought I was going to win,” cried Chan in an interview with The Eyeopener this Wednesday. “When I asked GrokAI under a post about some screaming blond kid, it directed me to this specific horse race as being a “sure-fire lock.”

The rising popularity of sports betting apps like FanDuel, 500 Casino and LuckyCasino have made students into high rollers overnight as the combined
pressure of paying tuition, actually receiving enough to fund their school experience and that new Simons that just opened up at the Eaton Centre’s Rick Owens, all pile up.

Chan isn’t alone. Across faculties, students are sending in bets to random foreign sporting events in hopes of winning against the assorted bald grandfathers throwing beers at their televisions.

“Pretty please? Please please with a cherry on top? Oh my goodness STOPPPPUH!”

This incident also brings into question how much the Ontario Student Assistance Program (OSAP) truly supports students, as Chan’s tuition totalled out to one gazillion, while OSAP gave her $600 in grants and $700 in loans.

All non-arts degree students at Toronto Metropolitan University (TMU) specifically have found that the school has been asking for “knock your drawls off” amounts of money in comparison to other programs.

After polling 1,000 totally real and not fake students, the average arts degree student reported $8,000 tuition costs, while the average non-arts student reported a five million dollar payment in pure gold and one kidney (ownership varying).

Chan is leading the newest campaign to get students off online betting, and instead into the casinos.

“The experience of tapping on your phone screen is nothing in comparison to tapping on the actual slots screen with a culturally insensitive portrayal of a woman on it,” enthused Chan, waiting for the bus to Casino Rama with a group of assorted students. “If I’m losing my money, I gotta watch it leave in real time. Big money, big money!” she chanted as her group followed.

Students are being instructed by the definitely real Toronto Metropolitan Students’ Union (TMSU) to avoid gambling away their OSAP money.

“Neigh neigh neigh neigh…neigh”

“Pretty please? Please please with a cherry on top? Oh my goodness STOPPPPUH! This isn’t yewwwwuh…” said the interim TMSU president on his hands and knees outside of the Student Campus Centre, much to the chagrin of the passerby students.

The horses aren’t happy about this either, citing the distrust in online betting as decreasing the popularity of their races.

“Neigh,” said Belson Rupert, the very horse that Chan bet on during a Zoom meeting on Thursday. “Neigh neigh neigh neigh…neigh.” He remarked, shaking his head (I think).

Next time you get a nice little loan from the government, heed the warning of Chan and hop on that GO Bus and go!