By Liana Yadav

Disclaimer: Much like the toilet paper in any Kerr Hall washroom, this story is not real…although we must never stop hoping.

A fourth-year criminology student at Toronto Metropolitan University (TMU) was seen being carried on a stretcher down Gould Street. Reports of what exactly happened were murky, with some claiming he was smiling ear to ear while drenched in liquids unknown.

The Eyeopener was determined to get to the bottom of this and rushed to the scene of the crime: the Library’s sixth floor men’s washroom. 

Onlookers had gathered near the washroom door. One glimpse and it was pretty clear all students were first-years, evident by their genius abilities to leave their laptops unattended on their desks as they flooded to where the drama was. 

“Apparently, he drank water from the toilet. Isn’t that so camp?”

According to the crowd of peeping Toms, the student being carried away had been found on all fours with his head dipped in the toilet bowl as he slurped with a ferocity of someone truly enjoying their meal, a rare sight on the TMU campus.

“I was the one who spotted him first,” said first-year social work student Aya Onyu. “When I passed the men’s washroom, I heard the sound of liquid gushing down someone’s throat like…well you know.”

Another nosy Nancy, first-year public health student Pissa Pologist, was part of an exciting chatter on the quiet floor. 

“I heard the sound of liquid gushing down someone’s throat like…well you know”

“It’s like, you saw him and you could tell he has the best taste in everything, specifically which toilets to drink from,” she said. 

When asked if she knew exactly what had happened, Pologist giggled before saying, “Apparently, he drank water from the toilet. Isn’t that so camp?” 

After finally grabbing hold of the student, identified as Richard “Dick” Sipper, The Eye spoke with him regarding his actions. 

“I find the way we treat toilet water in society troubling. Yes, they routinely get people sick, and yes, it tastes much worse than regular water but I am not going to be part of a smear campaign against toilet water which is free and openly available,” said Sipper.

Sipper’s unique taste in drinks has brought additional work to the door of the Facilities Management and Development department (“Facilities”) at TMU.

“I find the way we treat toilet water in society troubling”

“You know how much each greywater sign costs?” said department chief-of-piss Franklin Plunger, “No you don’t, because you don’t care. First they wanted signs with TMU instead of Ryerson, then ones that said ‘It’s nice to have Met you’…oh they thought they were so clever for that one. What’s next, a TMU sign where it says Dundas station?”

Following the removal of Sipper from the bathroom, loud sounds of gulps were heard in the stall to the left. Only this time, it was TMU president Lohamad Machemi on his hands and knees, dipping his cup that said #BOLDBeast, into the toilet and taking a large swig.

“Listen,” he said, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand. “This is still better than anything that comes out of the Hub Café, okay?”