By Peyton Andino

Disclaimer: Like the concept of feeling safe on campus, this story is fully satirical.

First-year journalism student Bjorn Alism got beat up this past Monday on Gould Street following an intense exchange between him and another student over a journalism interview request. 

On an equally unsurprising note, campus security will not be pursuing charges against the alleged puncher Rachel Amy Biguous as they did not show up this morning, or the morning before or the morning before that one.

According to witness statements, Alism approached Biguous and shoved a phone in their face while loudly saying, “As a queer person of colour, I think your perspective on the gradual decline of third spaces would be essential.”

The Eyeopener was able to secure an interview with both students involved in this incident. 

“I don’t even know what a third space is,” said Biguous. “And I’m not even gay. I mean, my family thinks I am, but it’s just because no one wants me. I blame my face and personality.”

Eyewitness Ai Sawdat, who was interviewed in the Journalism Lounge by The Eye shared he believes that Alism should be charged instead.

“I hate journalism students,” said Sawdat, a third-year journalism student, “I have never hated another group of people more in my life.”

When asked if that’s it, Sawdat doubled down.

“Yes.”

This assault follows the disturbing trend of Toronto Metropolitan University (TMU) students, staff and educators alike being harassed by journalism students in the quest for at least an 80 per cent on their upcoming assignment.

The first years are not just one year gone rogue. Repeatedly, students hailing from the journalism program at TMU have been known to go out of their way to get a story, no matter how invasive and annoyingly inconsiderate it takes for them to be. 

As of winter 2026, journalism students are now being restricted from covering Indigenous stories on campus after several events were overwhelmed by student reporters.

Alism disagrees with this ban, citing the boundary-pushing that previous journalists have done.

“Look at all the great journalists that have gone out of their way to get the best story. Candace No-wens, Jared Rogan and one day… Bjorn Alism,” he said, starry-eyed.

Alism’s story concerning third spaces can be found on his personal Substack, titled “I’m Alisming It All Over The Place.”