By Dylan Marks
Disclaimer: Though these suggestions may seem eggscellent, try not to take any of them too cerealsly.
According to my mom when I was five-years-old, “breakfast is the most important meal of the day.” With the hustle and bustle of school in full effect, it can be hard for students to find the time to eat a filling breakfast in the morning. Well, don’t worry, The Eyeopener has got you covered with a few quick breakfast hacks. If you aren’t convinced yet, just lettuce meat olive your eggspectations.
1. Bacon bracelets
Hear me out, why not put bacon on a candy bracelet and nibble on each piece, bite by bite, as you rush to class? As a matter of fact, why not just wrap the bacon around your head and dance around like a wild bacon person. Bacon, bacon, bacon.
2. Shotgun yogurt followed by an orange juice chaser
Dude, this is sick as hell. Take your daily Activia cup and chug it right out the fridge. Follow that move with a quick swig of an OJ chaser and you’re H-O-T-T-O-G-O.
3. Substitute your sativa with hearty lettuce and smoke your breakfast
Good ole’ mary jane not doing it for you as of late? Why not substitute that boring old granddaddy purp with fresh romaine lettuce? You’ll have half the high and twice the nutrients!
4. Find Frankie on campus and ask if his legs have been hurting him recently
Frankie usually hangs around the Mattamy Athletic Centre during breakfast time. Why not take a moment to stop in and ask him how he’s doing physically? Falcons can be a great source of protein and we heard Frankie loves vorarephilia so, if anything, you’re doing HIM a favour.
5. Look for a student wearing vegan leather shoes and eat them (the shoes)
Pro tip: If they’re wearing vegan leather they probably can’t run too fast.
6. Turn your Eggos into a smoothie
Chewing food takes too much time in the mornings. Using your blender, take two-four frozen Eggo waffles from your freezer, add milk and pulse them on high until completely liquified. All those iced coffee and matcha latte drinkers got nothing on ya now. Expect an email in your inbox from Balzac’s any day now begging for the patent.
7. Hang a bagel on a string in front of your face and chase it all the way to class
Do you struggle with motivation to get to class and become super hungry when you finally get there? Why not kill two birds with one stone by taking a bagel, attaching it to a string and hanging it just far enough out of reach. Once you finally make it to Kerr Hall after chasing your bagel down Gould Street, you’ll feel accomplished before class even begins!
8. Eat a street racoon
This one’s pretty self explanatory.
9. Cook eggs on your overheating laptop in class
Let’s say you’re in class, you’ve got a carton of eggs in hand and not a single stovetop in sight—what should you do? Why not open every single application, file, etc. you have on your laptop and let your eggs cook on the keyboard while it overheats. People may stare in confusion, but hey, which one of you is eating freshly cooked eggs in class?
10. Pre-game your breakfast the night before
If you know for certain that you simply won’t have any time to eat breakfast during that morning rush, just pre-game your breakfast the night before. Everyone’s gonna be there dude and we’re all pre-ing so you have to do it. Trust me, it’s gonna be great.
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If you think any of these ideas are a bit far fetched, the yolk is on you. Okay, that’s all for the puns. Orange you glad it’s over?
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