By Harry Mann

Disclaimer: Boys and girls of every age, wouldn’t you like to see something strange? Come with us and you will see, this story lies to you fully.  

With midterms ramping up and the spookiness of Halloween just around the corner, many Toronto Metropolitan University (TMU) students are not looking like themselves. Whether it’s a possibly offensive mask from a 90s movie or just forgetting to shower and shave, many around campus are unrecognizable. 

This was particularly the phenomenon that second-year urban and regional planning student Shaggy Rogers seemed to have stumbled upon late one night in the unnerving underbelly of the George Vari Engineering and Computing Centre. 

“I turned a corner and saw something that made my ‘zoink’ shrink up”

“There I was, walking down the hall in the same green shirt and brown pants that I always wear, when I turned a corner and saw something that made my ‘zoink’ shrink up into my flat, hairless and almost cartoonish chest,” said Rogers. 

While Rogers believed he had stumbled upon a…a…A WEREWOLF!!!! It turned out to be just another student that had succumbed to the darkness of the fall season on campus. 

Fifth-year chemical engineering student Ah Woo, who was mistaken for a blood thirsty moon beast, said he has dealt with this kind of hairy misunderstanding in the past. 

“I’ve been mistaken for Bigfoot, the Groundhog Day groundhog, those mogwai looking fucks from ‘Gremlins,’ all sorts of things,” said Woo. “It really doesn’t faze me anymore as every day of my life is an eternal cycle of hell on earth.” 

“Then he stepped closer and I realized it was some guy fighting for his 1.79 GPA”

Other students around campus reported mistaking Woo for a very hairy scary monster as well, prompting The Eyeopener to speak with several of the “boys who cried [were]wolf.” 

“I saw him and I thought holy God it’s…it’s a Werewolf! Then he stepped closer and I realized it was some guy fighting for his 1.79 GPA,” said second-year mathematics student Velma Dinkley. 

“I was working in my lab late one night when my eyes beheld an eerie sight, for someone outside my lab began to rise and suddenly to my surprise it was a Werewolf,” said third-year fashion student Daphne Blake. 

“I’m not sure what I thought but he had a look in his eye that screamed ‘I am a Werewolf, please trap me in an elaborate net’,” said third-year trapping student Fred Jones.

“Everyday of my life is an eternal cycle of hell on earth”

Following the incident, Rogers, Dinkley, Jones and Blake were arrested for assault after attempting to remove Woo’s face while under the assumption it was a rubber mask. 

“We woulda got away with it too, if it wasn’t for those meddling laws against assault!” said the group.