Fun with cults

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Reading Time: 2 minutes

Cults.  They’re everywhere. 

And what doyado when something is everywhere?

Either you dig it.  And get as much of it as you can.  Like TV.

Or you hate it.  And want to shoot it.  Like someone standing in front of the TV.

Same’s true for cults.

Many people hate cult members.  But killing is wrong.

Oprah would never kill anyone.

Any being like Oprah is always a safe bet.

What would Oprah do if confronted by a cult member?

If there were really annoying she might have them killed.  And when you’re as loaded as Oprah, contract killing is only a phone call away.  And even if they caught Oprah, they wouldn’t send her to prison.  Too many problems.  Who would host Oprah?  I don’t know anyone else named Oprah.  And you can’t host Oprah if your name’s not Oprah.  That would be lying.  And everybody knows that everything on TV is real.

Anyways, Oprah’s too nice to do something rash.  But, to potentially save Oprah from embarrassment, Fun has ranked all the major cults.  And, because its Golden Arches is now reputedly more widely recognized than the Christian cross in the U.S., Fun will use McDonald’s undisputed leader, Ronald McDonald, in the ranking.


Children of God

Pros:  Believe in a divine right to disregard both legislated and moral law.  Free sexual attitudes.  Use eroticism when recruiting.

Cons: “Controlled by nubile member’s use of sexual imagery and symbolism.  Must submit.”  Tired from overexertion.

4 Ronald McDonalds

Big _ucks, no whammies.


Hare Krishna

Pros: Can outwait even most determined customers at airline seat sales.  Shaven head looks hot with Jean Luc Picard set.

Cons: Have little income for flights.  Denunciation of sexual gratification unlikely to go over well with frisky Trekkies.

2 Ronald McDonalds



Pros: Low dietary fat.

Cons: Often gassy.  Self-righteous tone of irritating to carnivores.  Veggie dogs don’t live up to the hype.

1 Ronald McDonald


Leafs fans

Pros: Matt Sundin.  New dojo Air Canada Centre.

Cons: New home, same family.  And if your family consistently underperforms on the ice despite paying top dollar, mental frustration to follow.

2 Ronald McDonalds

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