By Shane Dingman
I love picks and I love generalizations. Nothing appeals to my lizard brain more than broad sweeping statements and arbitrary judgements. Not just because it’s easy and fun, but once you stake out a bold position, it’s relatively simple to outflank your rhetorical enemies once they start trying to rebut you.
In that vein, I’ve made a few calls about the recent events, determining which sides in several conflicts have come out on top.
Here are the results:
Penguin Sweater Knitters Vs. Oil Spills
Edge, Oil Spills. No matter how many freaks out there like to spend their afternoons knitting sweaters for fucking penguins, it’s easier to get a coat of oil on tens of thousands of the little bastards than a new sweater.
Prayer Space Vs. Budget Cuts
Edge, budget cuts. It’s a bad time to call in debts and ask for anything that might possibly involve money, seeing as everyone in the tower is putting on their “no”-faces to deal with the all-consuming fear and dread that their here-today-gone-tomorrow jobs depend on staying as quiet as possible. It’s probably frustrating for those animals on the 13th floor that the days when you could silence the demands of another culture with whiskey and guns are long over.
Ernie the Hot Dog Guy Vs. Manchu Wok
Edge, Ernie. Just barely.
Cuba Trip for Urban Planning Students Vs. Cuba Trip for Volleyball Team
Edge, Volleyball. The snivelling jerks who decide that overseas development work is imperialistic are bad enough, but giving a trip to a bloody team that needs only one more loss to be tossed out of play off contention is pretty weak. But this being Ryerson: edge, weak.
Internet that changes society for the better Vs. Internet full of self Indulgent banal crap
Edge, banal crap. The awful resurrected version of Shift magazine actually contributes to my opinion on this one. Jesus Maria, what a disaster. This is the premier chronicler of the digital age? Either they are godawful, or the Internet is awful. Because those aren’t mutually exclusive, let’s also point out that since everything became paid, I don’t care to read or watch as much. Fuck you too memepool.com.
Mentos Vs. Generic Restaurant Mints
Edge, restaurant mints. They’re free, and no annoying ad campaigns associates the fresh-making flavour with daring acts of social adventure.
Sports Editor Noah Love Vs. Soreheaded Athletes
Edge, Love. Jerks who can’t take the whole school knowing when they lose chap my ass. Until you start winning and we still kick you around. Yes until that unhappy circumstance, you can bite my crank.
Calm Reason Vs. Panicked Hysteria
Edge, panicked hysteria. Since the events of blah blah blah… Need I say more. Side effect, a legitimate reason to avoid sending out Christmas cards.
Orange Beef Vs. Golden Curry Chicken.
Edge, Orange Beef. Not as healthy, nor as spicy, and even though it looks like Salad King pumps the sauce out of a secret well in Kazahkstan you walk away satisfied and ornery.
Stay in dreary Canada for the winter Vs. Australian summer and dreary UK winter
Edge, foreign destinations. If I have anything to do about it, there will be no more exchanges. Too many of my smart and capable staff members are gallivanting off to parts unknown to “broaden their education and experience.” Pah, give me and Mr. Shovel 20 minutes alone with them in the woodshed and I’ll broaden their minds alright. Turnheel bastards… I wish you the best.
The Eyeopener Vs. The Chicago Bears
Edge, Bears. Combined, they weigh in at around four tonnes. We right prutty gud, n’stuff. Even so long as the contest was an English Lit test, we’d be beaten to death afterwards.
New Years Eve Vs. The Superbowl
Edge, for old acquaintances be forgot. Football is a brutal grunting sport for degenerates and maniacs. New Years is a brutal grunting party for degenerates and maniacs. The drugs in sports are more rarified, but no more potent than those found on New Years. Basically, the edge comes from sex. No sex on the field at the Superbowl… suckers.
Claude has a Posse Vs. Jockstrap.
Edge, jockstrap. Nothing personal Brian, Button is God.
International Justice Vs. Militarism and Cowboy Diplomacy
Edge, Cowboy. All of us couldn’t be more pleased with the manhunt for the “evil ones,” but there is this troubling expansion of state power, secret military tribunals, death warrants, bounties, summary executions and so on. Hey, if Rome had aircraft carriers and the power to airlift armoured divisions into any hellhole on earth, they’d still be in charge. Or would they?
One chunk of Shit Vs. Three Chunks
Edge, Triple threat. The fun page’s disgusting pictures of human feces are pretty foul for sure. And even though last week’s was splattier, this week’s treble shit has a secret. If you could see shit two in colour, you’d notice it’s a bloodshit.
Pez Vs. Gum
Edge, Pez. If Verne likes it, it’s okay with me. And when was the last time gum came with a cool toy? Exactly.
Irreplaceable Student Media Vs. Free Toronto Stars
Edge, Student Media. Not only is The Star a vanilla-dull newspaper, with terrible writing and worse analysis, but their presence here is the beginning of a longterm threat to the survival of student media anyway? Just anyone who wants to know about the place you spend four years hanging around and thousands of dollars. Asking people to go back to the horrible burden of paying for their newspaper, like every other citizen of Canada, may seem mean-spirited, but I’d rather you all hate us now than miss us later.
2001 Vs. 2002
Edge, 2002. It’s unpredictable, who knows what’s going on? Everything is in flux, the Ontario government, the Quebec Government, the U.S. Senate and Congress mid-term elections, economies, environments, literature, movies. In other words, it will be business as usual in terms of history unfolding. Ask yourself though, was 2001 a turning point in time or just another year? I would posit that after the shocks of 2001, it is the reactions we have in 2002 that will determine the answer to those questions. Hmmm, better get a helmet.