BORIS VS. OREST

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Reading Time: 4 minutes

A debate between two guys just trying to earn some extracurricular points.

Synopsis: In the first edition of “Boris vs. Orest”, Orest, Ryerson’s most prominent sex symbol, and Boris? The European phenomenon, discuss many different issues happening in the world today, ranging from “a-accounting” to “z-Zanzibar”. Keep your eyes open for a “special guest” that makes a surprise cameo appearance.

Note: The following is an actual dramatization

*Vivaldi’s “Four Seasons: Spring” playing in the background*

Orest: Good day, Ryerson. I am joined today by my adversary, Boris. I would just like to inform the audience that I sincerely apologize in advance for any statements that may seem offensive to some individuals. Hello, Boris.

Boris: Hello, and I must say that…

Orest: I am thinking about discussing the topic of Ryerson students. Hmm…I have one. To keep her identity confidential, I shall refer to her as C. Wolfson.

*Orest whispers into Boris’ ear*

Boris: HAHA! Yes, I agree.

Orest: And I’m being serious too!

Boris: Well, moving on, I shall propose a serious topic as opposed to the feeble humour you have planned for today. This relates to the Zanzibar graduation.

Orest: I have a feeling I know what you are going to say. Many people have taken the opportunity to vent their moral prejudices against the Zanzibar. For the record, I want to say that the Zanzibar is a fine place. There is nothing disgusting or nasty about it, except for poetry night and the price of the chili.

Boris: For those who are unfamiliar with “the Zanzibar,” it is a classy downtown smut chapter that offers champagne, a sociable atmosphere, and entertainment. I, personally, have never been there.

Orest: Ha ha. Anyway, let’s examine the Eyeopener for some good topics, shall we?

Look at this: Jen Gerson has written another piercing Eye-nalysis. My only qualm with the Eye-nalysis series is that in the end everything is always wrapped up in a neat little package. I enjoy the question of RyeSAC’s deficit and encourage all of our readers to do their own calculations of the financial statement, or balance sheet, published on the web, just to make sure RyeSAC is keeping up their end of the equation.

Boris: For those who are unaware of the concept of a “balance sheet,” it can easily be explained as a summary of your assets, your liabilities and the difference between the two, which is your equity, or net worth.

Orest: Absolutely. Just remember that “accounts receivable” is the money that customers owe to the company and “net assets” refers to the total assets minus total liabilities of an individual or company.

Boris: For a company, this is sometimes also called an owner’s equity or shareholders’ equity or net worth.

Orest: Exactly. Moving on, we see that Steve Nash is up to his old tricks.

Boris: I don’t get Steve Nash.

Orest: What do you mean?

Boris: I don’t get it. It’s just Steve Nash doing stuff. Why do you publish it?

Orest: You’re right, and I am sure you are not the first to have criticized the mirth page’s distribution of space. But if it is any solace, Steve Nash is actually a post-modern, anti-avant-garde dissection of a proverbial non-entity and has in essence created a pseudo-cultural godhead and raised countless question as to our conceptions of fame, art, and basketball.

Boris: *Boris doesn’t understand what Orest was saying* …yes… of course. Anyway, I was just kidding. I like Steve Nash.

Orest: Moving on, I must say that I have detected a common thread in all our topics.

Boris: What’s that? We agree too much?

Orest: Yes. We are adversaries. Boris, the people want “bloodshed.” Introduce a controversial topic that you are sure I will oppose you on.

Boris: Ah, fine. Let’s discuss the U.S. election and how wonderfully good old Dubya handled the matter.

Orest: The Bush story keeps getting better and better. For instance a lot of people don’t know that his grandfather, Truscott Bush made his fortune managing companies for the Nazis.

Boris: Yes, I saw that on The Passionate Eye. Have you heard that by the time Bush’s session in office ends, America will have one of the greatest recorded deficits?

Orest: Yes, I believe this is the tenth time that you have told me. And we may expect more costs to be allocated to various defense programs set up by the United States government, such as the new arms race–with only one participant–the “star wars” device.

Boris: I must admit, from an objective point of view that President Bush is not the most appropriate individual to lead the country. I have said this once before: Bush is merely a figurehead. In essence, he regurgitates what V.P. Dick Cheney, or his legion of writers, want him to say. Anyway, let’s forget the politics for now. I think the public has had enough politics for today.

Orest: Well, then! What shall we discuss? Boris: Hmm… let’s talk about something “rowdy”, shall we? How about sports?

Orest: You mean like Joe Carter, the World Series hero?

Boris: Actually, I was thinking of discussing the Toronto Raptors and their recent surge. “Vinsanity” sure has provided the Raptors with a much needed spark, hasn’t he? It’s about time for Raptors fans!!! You know, despite his recent detrimental court case, Vince Carter feels the Raptors still have a chance to make the playoffs. Personally, I feel that… *Boris’ comments about Vince “wussyboy” Carter, the Toronto Raptors franchise, and their mascot, Barney the Dinosaur, were deleted due to their negative and offensive nature* What do you think, Orest?

Orest: *Orest has never heard of Vince Carter or the Toronto Raptors. Nevertheless, he valiantly tries to answer Boris as best as he can* Ummm…I didn’t know Joe had a brother. The Raptors could have a shot at the Stanley Cup, but I think that Bob Carter is just not scoring as many field goals anymore. I am putting my faith in that guy…#74. He’s an exceptional player.

Boris: Okay. What about the L.A. Lakers? Will they make it to the playoffs?

Orest: L.A. who? Now, I know L.A. stands for Los Alamos, the birth site of the atomic bomb, but then you…

Boris: *Boris sighs* Nevermind! *expletive*!!

*Rebecca Rose enters in the room*

Orest: Well, well, well, it’s our good friend, Rebecca, the student council’s VP of Education! How are you doing, my friend?

Rebecca: Good.

Orest: We were discussing a few topics for the school newspaper.

*At this point, Rebecca leaves the room* Would you care to debate with us?

Boris: Hmm. She must have slipped out while you were droning on. Well, it appears that our time is now up.

This is Boris closing with: Kenny’s a dick. Take care.

Orest: Good day, Ryerson.

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