CALVIN KLEIN MODEL NAMED CEO

In Fun & Satire /

By Millicent J. Fluffington

A Big Canadian Business announced yesterday it was naming white man John Smith, 52, as CEO after a long and arduous search for the candidate best suited to taking government handouts and suppressing ethics and morals.

“I am pleased to join [BCB] and I am ready to start lining my pockets with the hard-earned money of unknowing investors,” Mr. Smith said in a press conference, a Cheshire cat grin on his face.

“I will charge the company for my personal expenses and will only pay taxes once I have been uncovered by forensic accountants and they drag me kicking and screaming from my Caribbean villa.”

He added: “Boo yeah!”

Stockholders were pleased to hear Mr. Smith speak honestly about his plans to bend them over and give it to them hard. Stock rose 13%. It closed at $90.65, up $10.43.

“I think he will do a wonderful job shitting on the investments I have in the company,” said BCB employee Ima Sucka, who was convinced to invest her pension plan into stocks.

“It is gratifying to see a man who has run three failed airlines and a corrupt newspaper chain get another chance to steal millions.” This paper, like, totally approves. Huzzah!

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