CELEBS THINK I’M COOL, REALLY

In Fun & Satire /

By On-and-on Govainy

And so celeb life goes! At an intimate Friday-night-into-Sunday-morning gathering on Karl Lagerfeld’s yacht, yours truly was caught coming down a zipline from the nearby Imperial Oil Tanker, Galileo.

Who the eff am I? I’m fuckin’ On-and-on Govainy. Almost a celeb myself. It was a posh bash with fashion, glamour, sex, stars, and as much extravagance as Mariah Carey bathed in Cristal! Oh, I’ve seen it. I was there.

And you weren’t. Mark Wahlberg, the hunkelicious former model and current B-list celeb, plunged his hand into an icy drink tub, grabbing himself a chilled Heineken nearly missing my submerged, frigid scalp.

Did they see me? You know who is fat? Angie Stone. Wow, fat people are pathetic. Then who should show up, but Britney? herself, with husband Kevin Federline? Yay! The heck-holy-hell-we’re-hicks-how-hot-am-i-with-hotty-haughty-hubby- horse-hack-hypothermia-i-can’t-think-of-any-more-“h”-words couple stayed for an hour.

Keep in mind it’s me, On-and-on Govainy, at this party. I’m popular. Off ran Star Warriors Hayden Christensen and Natalie Portman, looking ready to pull into a port of their own!

Still me, On-and-on Govainy, partying with celebs. Someone love me. WOULD YOU THINK MORE OF ME IF YOU KNEW THAT… -Chad Michael Murray was spotted two days ago at a Starbucks in Toronto, where he is filming his new project Alfie, a remake of the 2004 Jude Law classic.

Ordered a grande Mocha with extra whip, sprinkeled some cinnamon… -Mats Sundin ate a delicious dinner (It was good. I ate his leftovers) at Splendido on Saturday.

I don’t know who this is, but the Post’s Cam Colon said he’s important. -Robin Williams wears chapstick. -Tinkerbell really is cuter than BitBit, but don’t tell my new BFF Britney I said that! Shhhhhh! -Pretend-Torontonian Sean Penn strutting around oh-so-posh Yorkville with his angry mug never smiling.

Lighten up, I mean come on. And I’m out. Catch my column tomorrow, bitches.

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