HARPER GOES SOFT ON GAYS

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By Harold T. Lodz

Much to the surprise of fellow politicians in the Conservative Party of Canada, party leader Stephen Harper actually managed to avoid slinging insults and cursing gay and lesbian Canadians for nearly an entire day Tuesday.

From the time Mr. Harper woke up reading his favourite national newspaper, which will go unnamed, to the time he retired for the night in his cotton pyjamas, Mr. Harper barely spoke an ill word about the state of same-sex unions in the country or how gays and lesbians are tearing the social fabric of Canada apart.

“It was shocking. I nearly had to call our doctor to see if he was feeling all right,” says Mr. Harper’s man-slave Herbert T. Pimpernel. “I thought perhaps he had some bad grapefruit in the morning, or was suffering another one of his dangerous diarrhea attacks, but he said he was fine.”

Indeed, while Mr. Harper’s stool sample was cleaner than his criminal record, many in his inner circle found it odd he didn’t take the chance to toss the occasional insult or derogatory remark towards gay and lesbian activists.

“Usually, at every caucus meeting, there’s at least one instance when he calls gay people the spawns of Satan’s herpes,” says Boffo T. Caprica, an aide to Mr. Harper. “For him not to say anything bad about gay people, it made me wonder if he was on acid.”

Mr. Harper could not be reached for comment on the issue, as he was busy throwing darts at pictures of cabinet ministers from the Liberal and NDP parties.

But a doctor contacted by the Post-Mortem was able to confirm that he was acid-free for at least 18 of the 24 hours.

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