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By Rump L. Stiltzken

Shell Canada Ltd. and Petro-Canada have launched independent campaigns to help make filling up at the pump more affordable: relinquishing first-born sons as payment.

“I didn’t think I’d ever make it to my Pilates class on time, but giving up my son was so convenient I don’t know what I’d do without the service,” Sharon Pape said as she handed over her two-month-old child to a sketchy-looking pump-weasel. “I mean, I’m not fuckin’ paying 87 cents a litre. Screw that!”

She was defensive when asked if she would consider taking the bus or carpooling. “Bus? Why take the bus when I have a car?” Mrs. Pape asked, clearly unable to maintain a clear grasp on logic. “Enough questions. I’m already late.” To parents who like their children all is not lost. Petro-Canada’s president said that he would return the children to parents who can guess his first name.

“Once I’ve had the child for a night, they have three tries to get [my name] right,” he said in a creepy sing-song rhyme. He then offered the ability to turn straw into gold.

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