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By Phineas Huckleberry

Ottawa–A delusional woman is suing the Burger King company for discrimination, alleging she was denied staff gratuities because she is “too damn fine” for the dining environment.

Crystal Davies, a junior high graduate with two weeks of training in Burger King’s elite “pickle-topper” program, has spent the past three decades working as a cashier at a downtown Ottawa location of the restaurant.

Ms. Davies alleges that she has always asked for a free Coke and fries during her break, but is repeatedly denied because her good looks are too much for her coworkers.

“Man, they know I’m all that, look at these breast implants Leroy got me,” says Ms. Davies, 53, showing a seriously deformed set of obviously botched breast implants.

“They know I’m all that, they just can’t handle my killer body, so they want to starve me out of this job.”

The case, being argued in front of regional supervisor Dwight Gooden, also accuses Burger King of not covering dental reconstructive surgery in its health plan, which Ms. Davies applied for because of her incredibly large overbite. “These two teeth sticking out in front of my gums, they too sexy for this place,” Ms. Davies says. “I have to get them removed, or else I’ll distract all the nice customers.

But, Burger King won’t even pay for that!” Burger King, which has three billion outlets in Ottawa alone, argues that Ms. Davies isn’t very attractive at all, and there is no such thing as either a part-time employee health plan or complimentary Coke and fries for breaks.

“I don’t know where she’s getting this information. We’ve never given out food to employees for breaks,” says Dr. Gooden, a man obviously content to have given up his dreams in life. “Plus, she is kind of skanky.”

Ms. Davies’ boyfriend, Leroy, of no last name or fixed address, disagrees with Dr. Gooden’s stance. “My baby is the finest bitch in this damn establishment. They can’t keep holding her beauty against her like it’s some ripe bullshit.”

When asked what she planned to do now that Burger King has attempted to block her case, Ms. Davies stuffed free pickles and ketchup packets in her purse.

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