WE’RE RACIST: STUDY

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By Harrison Hamil

Toronto–Despite media organizations’ efforts to the contrary, newsrooms across the country are lacking cultural diversity, says David Lucas III, a wealthy white man who clearly has a case of self-loathing and a guilt complex.

“Through my efforts and studies, I’ve found that newsrooms in the country just don’t represent the different faces of our land,” says Mr. Hall, who through his project DiverCITY, found many journalists just don’t have the balls to go out and cover stories about foreign cultures. “I mean, look at me, I’m a white guy and I’m pointing this out. Everyone should look up to me.”

Mr. Hall conducted the study by arbitrarily selecting newspapers and television news broadcasts across the country, then pointlessly analyzing them for how visible minorities are represented.

“Every minority must get their fair share of coverage, that’s why we call it DiverCITY,” says Mr. Hall, relieved that he doesn’t have to suffer white-man’s-guilt any longer (or WMG as it is known to psychotherapists). “Of course, this doesn’t include women, gays and lesbians, or anyone else that isn’t visibly a minority. We can’t have that.”

Still, some visible minority community leaders are none too pleased with what they view as tokenism. “I mean, this guy must’ve had a racist thought back in college and now is trying to repent,” says noted Korean-rights activist Kal Thoung. “If the point is to only give us coverage based on acceptable quotas, that’s just insulting to the community.”

Still, Mr. Hall insists his project will help relieve white men’s guilt all across the country. “Man, this will lower my therapy bills. I may be able to finally pay that Spanish gardener a decent wage.”

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