STUDENTS DEMAND ROOM FOR MASTURBATION

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By Craigs Lyst, Dusty Munroe, Amanda Blossery, Bruce Tatersauce, Milton Turtledove, Ed Claymate, Goober Macintosh, and Jezzoe von Lichtenstein

“Special” to The Dryersonian

Hundreds of studets went to the 13th floor of Jorgenson’s Hall last Friday to deliver a petition asking for masturbation space on campus.

The students, led by Handy Mann and Dill Dough, delivered the 13 pages to administration.

According to Mann, there’s nowhere they can satisfy themselves on campus, except in the library.

“Even then, Security’s been cracking down on us — and it’s public,” he said. “You, me, we — everyone needs a place to just release themselves,” added Dill.

The group, which goes by the name of RMBU (Ryerson MasterBaters United), is having trouble getting official student group status. Without official recognition from the Ryerson Slackers’ Union, they won’t be able to get room booking or funding.

“All we want is a space to flog our logs, and funding to help us do it,” said Mann.

However, RSU vice-president student life and lame events Alam Ashraful said RMBU can’t qualify.

“We need to look at big picture for all of students. We can’t just give them space because they’re horny,” he said. “As well, there’s no academic component to the group — and that’s required if they want to get funding.”

Still, Dough thinks these are not valid reasons.

“If people get space to have sex in those course union offices in the basment of the campus centre, why can’t we have some space to stuff the muff?” she said.

The group also plans to bring in motivational “performers” to do interpretive dances.

Over 69.696 signatures were on the petition, although there’s not even that many full-time undergraduate students at the school.

Ean Steeltown, head honcho of campus facilities and plants, said there’s nowhere the group can go.

“Heck — I have to share an office with my hommie Lo Ro at Security,” he said. “I guess they could use that abandoned office with asbestos falling from the ceiling in Kerr Hall. There’s an old TV in there too,” he said.

But, Steeltown added, there’s no LAN or wireless connection available to the abandoned office, which could prevent the masturbators from surfing porn on the internet.

Some students, however, aren’t fond of the idea.

“This is absolutely ridiculous,” said Jeremy Hammond. “Why can’t these people just get a girlfriend, or a boyfriend?”

Mann said his ex-girlfriend just left him for the sasquatch. Dough said she enjoys pleasing herself because her boyfriend isn’t well-endowed.

“I just know myself so much better than he does,” she said.

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