By Gebbie Beanie
“Special” to The Dryersonian
Students sat in lineups yesterday to choose the future of table design at Pitman Hall just in time to save the university from bankruptcy, weeks after chaos ensued over the designation of new chairs without tables.
“You thought it was hard gaining a student consensus on one of five chairs? Well we completely overlooked the deplorable table situation,” said a Ryerson health and food services representative.
“What the hell were we thinking buying just chairs?” she added.
A week after The Dryersonian ran an exclusive on the chair referendum which resulted in the thrusting of the ‘Sonic Armless Stacker’ into the asses of campus students, it has come to the newspapers attention that discussion of new tables was never tabled to students.
“It’s complete insanity!” yelled an unnamed student running through Pitman in search of a place to put his overpriced sloppy joe.
Ryerson University issued a press release early Tuesday morning stating that water consumption in Pitman residence has “nearly bankrupt the school” to a point where “new chair may have to be repossessed.”
According to a Pitman resident, there has been “non-stop use of washing machines,” said to be a direct result of “augmented numbers of stains” directly linking to “a lack of tables in Pitman.”
When asked if he saw any tables in Pitman, Ryerson President Sheldon Levy said he was unaware of the situation and that he would have to look into it.
Cafeteria staff has since hired several armed guards to surround a recently purchased vault to hold votes cast by students in the table referendum.
“We learned from our mistake last time,” said lunch lady Loraine, who’s idea it was to put out a locked metal box for the chair vote. “Students dropped food into the box using it as a makeshift table. It spoiled half the ballots.”
Two students have since been shot approaching the box. Students now have the choice of three tables which initially started as a group of five.
Two were disqualified early when they were identified as a stool and a table with three legs.