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By Drew Halfnight

‘It’s unbelievable how much work is in the class! Poor Mike is trying so hard to study and his balls are getting blue cuz he had no sexy time in a long time!”

The Ryerson community has heeded the call over the last few years to make edits to Wikipedia, available for all to see via the online tool Wikiscanner, revealing a university trying desperately to express its inner dipshit.

First: Students live out their fantasies of grandeur.

Scott Pesme adds his own name to the list of famous people from Ajax, Ont., while someone decrees Jeffrey Peng mayor of the same city, and an “Asian pornstar” to boot.

Jeff Fawaz was briefly a character on Saved by the Bell. His bio noted that “he macked everyone every single [sic] girl even the weird foreign students. But thats [sic] jeff [sic] for ya [sic] he [sic] is quite a douche.”

Next: Students re-write the lives of celebrities.

Alanis Morrissette can’t perform on Star Search “due to severe menstrual cramps”; Oprah “Satan Deluxe” Winfrey’s father is a pig molester; Drew Barrymore writes an autobiography entitled “Do you like Poo?” and Danny Devito is “the smallest man to ever appear on a deck of novelty nude playing cards.”

Then come the friendly corrections. One Ryerson wiki-lancer corrects the Monica Lewinsky entry, which had read that she came from “george bush’s anus.” Someone deletes the opening of the “cockroach” entry, which previously read ‘’Cockroaches, i like when they crawl on my penis and up my ass.”

Other changes are less readily explicable.

One Rye community member changes the entry for agnosticism to “Agnononosticism.” The bio heading for esteemed writer Edgar Allan Poe is edited to read “The Life of Edgar Allan Poo Poo.” Italian dictator Benito Mussulini’s father is re-named “50 Cent” and linked to a digital image of the rapper.

But the best are the changes that relate to the school itself.

Kyle Bachan lists himself as university president and “president of earth and the galaxy’s hero.” Someone calling himself John “The Big Hurt” Riccio adds himself to Ryerson’s Board of Governors.

To Sheldon Levy’s curriculum vitae, someone adds “Head Mailman, East River County.” Clement Chau includes himself and Jeff Fawaz (of Bayside fame) on the “List of Ryerson University People.”

And then there’s J. Humphrey Rollabout, head of the Ryerson School of Winding and Ball Studies and the man who spearheaded a project to create “the world’s largest ball of twine.” Rollabout is also listed as a member of the Board of Governors.

One editor, perhaps a bitter business faculty member, alters the entry for the Schulich School of Business to read “Shoelick.”

All well and good, but it’s a shame Rye’s online editors have yet to do something constructive, truly avant-garde with the Wiki entry for “Ryerson University.” It’s our university after all — shouldn’t we define it?

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