BLUE RIBBON FARE

In Features, Love & Sex /

By Chuck Lolate

1) Edible thong — Chocolate and strawberry flavour

On the box, there’s a picture of a delicious chocolate thong wedged in between buttocks of steel. But when taken out of the box, the undergarment looks more like a paddle for a pizza oven.

The straps are neon pink and smell like cherry instead of strawberry. The rest of it is poo brown, but on the upside, it does smell like chocolate.

When I bit into the straps, they melted into a plastic, filmy substance that tastes like cherry cough syrup.

As for the rest of the thong, it tastes like a combination of yeast and chocolate and reminds me of the chocolate drink, Ovaltine. I could have eaten a quarter of this but at $8, it’s like paying for lobster and getting bacon.

However, it has an expiry date of 2020 so when Ryerson finishes its Master Plan, it’s good to know I can still break out the thong with the champagne.

Yum factor: 5/10

2) “Endurance” — Banana condom

It smells like a mix of vanilla, latex and that goop the dentist puts in your mouth before taking X-rays.

As for the taste, it’s like 50-year-old pancake syrup that was found in a bunker. Artificial banana, like watermelon, is just one of those flavours manufacturers can’t get right, whether it’s for candy or condoms.

Yum factor: 3/10

3) “Endurance” — Strawberry condom

I think the manufacturers of this condom have been working with the edible thong makers.

This light pink rubber smells like cherry-flavoured Benilyn cough syrup for kids and tastes (surprise!) like cough syrup. Well, that and postage stamps.

It’s better than its banana brother, but this condom is not something I’d want to suck off anyone’s dong.

Yum factor: 4/10

4) Durex tropical strawberry condom

The smell of this dark red Durex is stronger than the other condoms. And yes, it actually smells like strawberries, but there’s also a noticeable latex smell that makes me wonder why I volunteered to do this.

There’s also a clashing hint of what seems to be vegetable oil. However, it’s definitely the gourmet cock wrap of the three.

Yum factor: 7/10

5) Anal lube — Hot cinnamon

I love the no-nonsense packaging. I mean, “ANAL LUBE,” is basically like a restaurant menu with big numbers and pictures next to them.

Out of the bottle, the stuff looks and feels like Vaseline but smells like cinnamon hearts, so there’s a little ass-stinging romanticism there. As for what it tastes like, oh man, it’s nothing like those Valentine candies.

Rather than spicy cinnamon, ANAL LUBE clocks you with a bitter nastiness for half a minute, like a spoonful of herbicide. Why anyone would want to lick this off an ass (no matter how deliciously plump and firm it may be), I don’t know.

Yum Factor: 1/10*

6) ID Lube — Bubblegum blast

I squeeze out a line of liquid from the bubbly pink package and lap it up. Yes! Now this is what you’d want for the bedroom romp — just a clear taste with no pesticide-like residue.

I’d say the stuff beats out Bazooka Joe. By the way, there’s aspartame in this, so there’s something for you calorie counters out there.

Yum Factor: 8/10

7) ID Lube — Piña Colada

OK, I confess, I wouldn’t mind squirting this in my coffee. Like the previous lube, the flavour is surprisingly close to what you’d taste in the real thing.

In this case, this lube is perhaps a little less creamy than it should be. But that’s really nothing. Deeeelicious.

Yum Factor: 10/10

8) Hot Caress Massage Oil —

Peaches and Cream For massage oil, this orange-tinted liquid has the consistency of water. It smells like peaches but not so much cream.

I wonder if there’s a chemist specializing in sex products whom everyone uses because, again, it smells like cough syrup. I rubbed some of the oil on myself and then gave it a lick. Mmm . . . cough syrup.

Well, at least it’s true to its peachy scent, perfect for those naughty doctor and nurse fetishes. “Hey, baby, how about we break out the Benilyn?”

Yum Factor: 4.5/10 (It gets a half point for being the only Canadian product of the pack — trucked in straight from Quebec.)

The winner of the blue ribbon goes to the Piña Colada-flavoured lube. It has a great creamy coconut taste and would enhance anyone’s sexual experience.

In a close second, the bubblegum-flavoured lube would make your sweetie that much sweeter. Stick to the lubes for a pleasurable experience — just because something is deemed “edible” doesn’t mean it’s sexy.

*OK, so ANAL LUBE probably isn’t supposed to be eaten. The bottle says it’s “Hot Cinnamon,” but not “Hot Cinnamon Flavour.”

The product smells like cinnamon hearts so it masks any potential shit smell when you’re ass fucking. So, to be fair, including it in the taste test is actually like reviewing what poison tastes like.

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