“LOVE IS LIKE THE INSIDE OF A MOIST, WARM BROWNIE.”

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by Rebecca Burton & Gianluca Inglesi

The “Viennese Oyster” is a sex position that involves the woman (or man) on their back with their ankles up by their ears while the partner on top holds the calves for stability and thrusts. To the average person this may sound tricky, but one Ryerson student listed it as their favourite position in this year’s love and sex survey.

Each year the Eyeopener sends out interns to gather Ryerson’s deepest secrets and dirtiest desires. After collecting 181 surveys from across campus and spending 10 hours tabulating the data, we discovered students get creative when it comes to pleasing each other.

Twenty-eight per cent get rough with their partners by biting and scratching, while 19 per cent get off on dominance or submission. On the extreme end, nine per cent liked fantasy rape, and three per cent enjoyed erotic asphyxiation.

Now things get weird. Eight per cent of students polled are turned on by vampirism. Eleven per cent enjoy exhibitionism — and they’re doing the dirty all over campus, from oral sex in the Ram to intercourse in the cafeterias. Bathrooms and stairwells are easy targets, but you might want to check the seat before your next lecture: one of the students polled “began to masturbate [in class] but stopped before too intense.”

We know you are lying when only 58 per cent admit to masturbating, but the 68 per cent of you who are in love seem sincere. Love, you said, feels “like hundreds of bunnies hugging you,” and “like a long wonderful session of laughing.”

And the sex is better when you’re in love. “The fucks are harder — more intentional,” you said. Love “makes it feel more personal (and I can fart and it’s okay).” Well, keep farting, and keep making love.

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