The Rams men’s volleyball team weren’t the only ones hot and sweaty after their match with U of T
By Kats Quinto
Two nights before Halloween, Ryerson’s men’s volleyball team turned their tricks into treats as they went into overtime against U of T and won the epic battle.
The story was like a lollipop, simple and sweet: all U of T Varsity Blues could do was suck it. And suck it, they did. The victory was hard won as Ryerson struggled, survived and surpassed all expectations.
The game started off on the wrong foot; the first match was a disaster, to say the least. The players seemed stiff, lacking warm-up and consequently lost by a lot of points.
The second match was equally tense. The referee just couldn’t keep his granny panties on for the Varsity Blues. His wedgie, aside from blocking the view of Ryerson’s very HOT #11, was also clouding his judgement. He kept busting out the yellow cards on Ryerson like coupons to a rub and tug.
“What the fuck? What do you mean double contact? I didn’t even touch the ball,” says #13, his gorgeous eyes glowingly fierce with anger. His strong manly hands gestured into the air, indignant at the bad call. The referee blew the whistle and #13 was forcibly put back into his deliciously appetizing position.
“The referee was sporting such a hard-on for U of T, I knew it was a lost cause,” he recalls during the post-game interview.
Despite the earlier blow ups, Ryerson gained their composure and finally stepped up. The crowd went wet n’ wild as the score sky rocketed to five straight points, tying with U of T with 11 minutes remaining. The girls in the audience started to unzip their pants and rip their thongs off their crotch, but the Ryerson Rams were determined to keep their eye on the ball.
“Balls first, Ram later,” quipped Ryerson’s hottest captain and libero, the majestic Robby Earl.
Earl’s balls-first motto won the second round by a close one. It could have been a landslide if it weren’t for he-who-will-not-be-named, who kept fucking up the serves royally, sending the team on a very long time-out. While the team huddled and talked about the virtues of aiming well, both in bed and on the court, electro music flooded the Kerr Hall gym.
Fluorescent white light transformed into glow sticks and strobe lights. U of T momentarily fled the scene, fearing the onset of epilepsy.
“Electro is the devil’s music,” U of T’s setter commented. “We cannot tolerate it. Studies show that the constant pumping of the bass increases libido, which leads to grinding and therefore STDs.”
Ryerson fans did not take heed; clothes were off and glow-in-the-dark body paint splattered across the chests of questionably underage girls. The music was interrupted for the last five minutes of the round, which Ryerson pwned.
The third match was an intense build-up, the description of which can be accurately described as rubbing until you almost get there, and then letting go until it subsides before rubbing it again until you can’t take it anymore. Some of the fans were doing exactly that.
The ball was pummelled back and forth across the net, reluctant to hit the floor. Both Ryerson and U of T teams were sweating profusely, showing their rock hard nipples through their thin jerseys. Ryerson’s #13 and #11 poised, resembling Greek gods of tight buns, legs slightly apart and awaiting to hit the ball with their toned and muscular arms.
“Holy shit it’s hot in here,” Kats Quinto, the Eyeopener Fun Editor, mutters under her breath. Chewing her nails was all she could do to avoid touching herself during the joust when the game went into overtime.
The Ryerson Rams rammed it hard twice and twice as hard, winning the round and the game against the U of T Varsity Blues with a bad-ass cut shot and a solid kill. Fuck yeah.
Tips for an arousing experience while watching any Ryerson Rams match:
- Go to www.ryersonrams.ca and pick any game that tickles your fancy.
- Hold off self-pleasure for at least one week. Seriously, this is key.
- Let your imagination/hallucination intermingle with reality (natural or otherwise… just sayin’)
- Savour the experience either on the bleachers and/or later in bed
Send your sports erotica to firstname.lastname@example.org. If we like it, we’ll give you $50. It could help fund your date with any hot Rams athlete/Eyeopener editor *wink wink*.