Briefs & Groaners

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A roundup of some of the shadier — and odd — things that happen around Ryerson’s downtown campus.

A turtle that went missing from a staff member’s aquarium for a second time a few weeks ago was found in a filing cabinet drawer. Apparently he’s in good health. Hopefully this is the last time this f’in turtle goes missing. Buy it a god damn leash.

A man was found in a Kerr Hall South classroom packaging a large amount of marijuana into small baggies from a duffel bag. From this we conclude that it seems that the teaching industry might be in harder times than we were led to believe.

A rented World War 2 uniform was stolen from the theatre school last Friday. So if you see a soldier walking around the streets, we recommend that you immediately push them to the ground and issue a citizen’s arrest.

A man was found sleeping on a chair in the Pitman Hall cafeteria. He said he wanted somewhere to watch TV while it was cold outside. We really hope he likes watching endless revolving Ryerson advertisements.

And because of three students being taken to hospital because of intoxication, a very special version of Briefs & Groaners brings you a list of things to remember when drinking.

1. Remember the “Prison Diet” of water and bread. It’s dull and it doesn’t taste of coconuts and tropical sunsets, but water is your best friend. Drink some before you start, then try to have at least one cup of water for every two cups of whatever alcohol you’re having.

2. If not bread, eat something substantial beforehand. Ideas include pizza, a burger or, if need be, a street hotdog. Try to avoid those single-serving microwavable meals, if only to avoid having to see your own impatient face in the glass, leading you to contemplate the misery of what your life has become as you watch the revolving pile of filth inside.

3. Slow down. You might think you look like a wonderful film star as you chug down your beer — trying to impress the beauty at the other table — but in reality you look more like a slobbering alcoholic. Pretend your drink is really hot and take small drinks instead of giant swigs.

4. Finally remember the famous rule “Beer before wine feel fine, wine before beer feel queer.” In other words don’t mix your drinks. This is only acceptable if you’re 16-years-old and imagining your Smirnoff Ice as a martini.

— Lee Richardson

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