Autopsy of an undead student

In Features /

By Gianluca Inglesi
Arts & Life Editor

ZOMBIE A

Time of death: 12:10 a.m.
Cause of death: hit by moving vehicle
Evidence:

1. Upon examination of Zombie A’s ears it can be concluded that damage is a result of high volume levels from iPod headphones. This student must have listened to music between classes and on his commute. Broken ribs and skid marks on Bond Street suggest that Zombie A may have been hit by a construction vehicle before reaching Gould Street.

2. Zombie A was discovered lying across a Gould Street picnic table and was suited up — even dead he was still ready to “hit the ground running.” Surrounding him were many shopping bags as well as a messenger bag full of heavy textbooks. This could have made it more challenging for his already wounded body to weave through the planters.

3. Testing Zombie A’s eyesight led to a discovery of nearly perfect vision that had not been damaged by UV rays. One can only assume that this student protected them with Ray Ban sunglasses. Also, note that Zombie A ingested brains before dying but his stomach was already full of Thai food from resurrected student favourite Salad King.

ZOMBIE B

Time of death: 2:45 a.m.
Cause of death: Asphyxiation
Evidence:

1. Zombie B was found in the Yonge-Dundas subway station clenching her iPhone, which displayed a recent tweet reading, ‘Must eat brains #sohungry’. Zombie B was leaving campus very late and her body showed signs of exhaustion, which could signify that she was a student in the faculty of engineering, architecture and science.

2. Markings around Zombie B’s neck signify strangling as a possible cause of death. The shape of the markings point to a circle scarf as the weapon of choice, another trend among students. On Zombie B’s person, a debit receipt was found revealing that the student made a late night purchase of brains at the 24-hour Metro and asked for cash back.

3. Multiple calluses and blisters on the Zombie B’s feet indicate the regular wearing of tight, constricting shoes such as oxfords or combat boots which may have made it more difficult for the zombie to run from danger. RSU forms found in Zombie B’s bag indicate that she was attempting to organize a Zombie campus group called ‘Undead R People 2’.

Photo by: Marta Iwanek

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