Briefs & Groaners

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A roundup of some of the shadier — and just plain odd — things that happen around Ryerson’s downtown campus

On Nov. 15, a man was seen stacking Gould Street patio furniture. The man completed a staggering three separate towers, one of which was located in Lake Devo. After unsuccessfully trying to stack the planters, he left the area. He appeared heavily intoxicated from a night out at the Ram in the Rye. Friends described the individual as a “motherfucking asshat.”

Officers responded to a fire in the Victoria building on Nov. 18. An officer extinguished the fire that was discovered to be a bundle of Eyeopener newspapers. Toronto fire attended the scene and police investigated possible arson. Don’t burn our paper, fuckers.

A car found a new parking spot on campus on Nov. 21 — in Lake Devo. An 86-year-old male was headed to audition for the film “Life Doesn’t Frighten Me” and accidentally hit the lake edge, scraping the bottom of his car and ending up in the pond. After driving around in circles, he realized he was stuck. The male ditched to make his audition, returning later to be assisted by security and get his car towed. We hope he actually got the part.

An angry swarm of hipsters, carrying their cats adorned in pink booties and jackets, stormed campus yesterday. After a game of street hockey, which was interrupted by ugly children, they ran towards campus. Caught in the tragedy was lovely news editor Ana Ionova, who died after being pelted with hot soup laced with parsley and bugs. Her last words were “you should have fed the children Nyquil pops!” Ionova will be dearly missed by fellow news editors. We hope her spirit has fun at the Ryersonian.

Comments

  1. Wow, did you just copy the Ryersonian’s ‘Man drives into Lake Devo’ article? That’s some amazing journalism right thur.

  2. Why does the Ryersonian copy all of the content in the Eyeopener issue after issue… yea, talk about quality journalism.

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