The first rule of rez is you don't talk about rez. PHOTO: NATALIA BALCERZAK

Rez confessionals

In Communities /

Rodent living

One of my floor-mates thought it would be a good idea to rip hundreds of old newspapers into strips.He brought all of the scraps to his neighbour’s room (who was in class at the time) and scattered them everywhere until it covered the entire floor and bed. Later in the day she opened the door to what looked like a human-sized hamster cage.The next weekend some of us decided to recycle the newspapers and fill one of the elevators with the scraps. When the elevator opened in the lobby with newspaper spilling out of it, the security guards were quite confused.
 –Bianca, ILLC, Floor 4
Extra baggage
First-semester exams were right around the corner, so Pitman Hall had enforced extended quiet hours and sign-in restrictions. One of our friends wanted to come party but she didn’t live in residence so we needed to figure out a stealthy way to get her in. We decided to sneak her up to our room inside of a suitcase. We brought a giant suitcase outside and made our friend curl up inside. Then, we casually walked back into the build-ing with the suitcase, scanned ourIDs for security at the door and walked into the elevator. Mission accomplished.
 –Andrea, Pitman Hall, Floor 14
Large pizza, no sausage
I was at a party on my floor and I met a hot girl. We started dancing in the room and then later, I decided to take her back to my place.We were going at it, clothes were coming off — we were literally at the point of no return. That is, until she got a phone call. All I heard from her end was, “Yup, okay, I’ll be right there.” She hung up the phone and said, “Sorry Todd, I have to go, Michelle got pizza.”And that’s when she put on her clothes, got up and left.
 –Todd, Pitman Hall, Floor 13
Running wild and free
A friend and I did what we called the “naked mile,” which, in Pit-man Hall ended up meaning that we ran butt naked down the hall,touched the far end of the floor, ran back, touched the wall of the other far end and ran back to my room. We didn’t get caught, but every noise sounded like some-one’s door opening to check out the action.
 –Emily, Pitman Hall,Floor 10
Too hot to handle
My room was cold, so I turned on the heater and then decided to take a nap. I was sound asleep — until the fire alarm went off. The heater ended up setting off the alarms and five fire trucks showed up outside of residence.
 –Michelle, O’Keefe House
Blood-hounded
I was too drunk one night with my roommates when I decided to stomp on a broken beer bottle.Not wanting to end the party and under the unsound guidance of what I call “beer numbness,” I decided that the glass-filled gash in the sole of my foot would take care of itself. With the help of my trusty roomies, I limped back to residence, into the elevator and straight to bed. What I didn’t count on was residence security following the fairly conspicuous trail of bloody footprints I had left straight to the bed where,with my foot sensibly elevated and wrapped in multiple pairs of bloody socks, I had passed out.They gently woke me up and insisted I go to the hospital. My ability to continue walking on two feet is more or less thanks to them.

 –Jonah, Pitman Hall, Floor 12
Wet work
I was studying for an exam in one of the common rooms with two of my friends. We were going through our study notes when out of nowhere, three guys in our program burst through the glass doors throwing water-filled condoms at us. We were completely shocked. They left as quickly as they appeared. This meant war.We decided to fill one of the common room garbage bins with water, tie one end of a string around the lip of the bin and the other to the doorknob with enough leeway in between, so that when the door opened from the inside the garbage bin would spill into the room. We leaned the bin against the door that opened up to the room they were in and got into our set positions. I knocked on the door and ran away. We definitely won that war.
 –Diana, Pitman hall, Floor 8

La-da-de-da-de, we like to party

We were hosting a party on our floor (as per usual) and we decided to go all out by renting a subwoofer and putting up flyers around the dorms and elevators. Over 100 people showed up to the party and another 30 were hanging around outside the apartment. I played the song I Don’t Like by Kanye West and everyone stopped what they were doing and went absolutely crazy. My speakers were cranked to max and everyone’s voices still overpowered the music.

-Joshua, Pitman Hall, Floor 14

Pukes “R” Us

I woke up one Saturday morning incredibly hung-over and needed a drink, so I headed to the shared bathroom on my floor to fill up a glass of water from the tap. Instead of being able to get my water and go back to bed, I stumbled into what looked like some sort of sick joke. There was puke everywhere – on the floor, toilet, bathtub, mirror, sink, shower curtain, waste bin, the list goes on. I started asking around my floor to try and figure out who did it. Apparently it was some guy who doesn’t live in residence and who had (conveniently) gone home. We ended up having to clean up the mess ourselves. Over two hours later, it was finally usable again.

-Gregory, Pitman Hall, Floor 11

Toast Woes

I was up late studying for an exam and I was craving toast. I decided that going down to the second floor to use the toaster would take too much effort, so I figured it would be fine to make it in my toaster oven. I went back to my room for five minutes and then the timer went off. Upon returning to the toaster, all I could see was grey smoke pouring out of it. Panicked and not wanting to set off the fire alarm, I grabbed the oven-mitt and started frantically waving it back and forth. I managed to carry the hot toaster into the bathroom and once I opened it up, my toast looked like two lumps of charcoal.

-Rebeca, O’Keefe House

Caught red handed

An engineer on my floor dyed himself purple for frosh week and ended up hooking up with a girl in the stairwell. Everyone knew what had happened because the girl ended up with purple marks all over her mouth and face.

-Josh, Pitman Hall, Floor 8

Leave a Comment