To hate frosh is to immerse yourself in its insanity and remain unscathed.

Photo: Farnia Fekri

Go frosh yourself

In Fun & Satire /

By Keith Capstick

In order to welcome incoming students into the world of post-secondary education, Frosh Week has developed into an annual frenzy of vomiting in elevators and participating in countless mind-numbing student events.

This week is the pinnacle of student indulgence- five days of constant irritation and intoxication, inevitably followed by a year of disappointing weekends trying to live up to a weeklong drunken stupor that even Rob Ford would be proud of.

As the classes fly by you will innevitably find yourself yearning for the days of frosh, and the Boy Meets World-style friendships you thought you were building. Especially with the rising popularity of “floorcest”(floor incest) running rampant across Ryerson’s residence buildings. It is proven that after the first incident of floorcest, the “one-big-family” mentalitycrumbles.

With this hallowed week just about to begin, it is important to approach the upcoming events with the worst attitude possible to ensure you have a terrible time.

When you and your parents drive up to move into residence, do you want to yell and jump around with the lunatics greeting you? Or do you want to scoff at them and set yourself up for a week of insecurity and misanthropy? Here are some suggestions to make sure your Frosh Week sucks:

• Make sure to be as stubborn as possible when being asked to meet new people and try new things, because developing a new group of friends will cut into the time you have to spend alone in your room throughout the year.

• By no means is it ever okay to consume alcohol when you’re doing schoolwork or preparing for your classes.

• Be sure to eat as little as possible during the day, so when you party at night you can count on being asleep on the floor of your room by 9 p.m. sharp.

• By no means should you EVER do ANYTHING that isn’t included in the frosh itinerary.

• Have a pen on you at all times to ensure you can sign every Ryerson Students’ Union clipboard available.

• Make sure you’re fashionably late for all the events at The Ram in the Rye so you can turn around and walk right back to res due to overcapacity.

• Lastly, whenever somebody challenges you to drink more than you’re comfortable with, it is always correct to show that person that you never back down from a challenge. Always.

With these suggestions in mind and a consistent, “I am too cool for Frosh Week” attitude, you can count on having the least fun possible during frosh.

To make things even sweeter, you’ll also be signed up for an infinite number of student events and activities that you will never receive a follow-up email for.

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