By Keith Capstick
After an undercover investigation into her 1365 Yonge St. campaign office, The Eyeopener has learned that Olivia Chow is a supervillain bent on brainwashing Toronto’s youth into the love and adoration of buses.
Discovered underneath her office was a massive underground lair complete with little minions working on top-secret technology, confiscated John Tory lawn signs and plans for her imminent conquest of young minds.
When asked about the discovery, one of Chow’s campaign representatives said, “Olivia has no comment on any evil villainy she may be accused of. She wants nothing more than to inform young minds, but quite frankly sometimes they need a little push.”
In addition to the discovery of Chow’s high-tech dungeon, there is evidence that points to Chow using one of these minion-designed top-secret weapons on Ryerson’s campus this past week.
It has been learned that Chow used a very trendy-looking high-powered pink jacket to assist in hypnotizing both her student targets and her opponents in the mayoral race.
Chow manipulated her opponents and they all mysteriously dropped out of the debate at Ryerson so that she could have free reign of the students’ minds.
Proof of this was acquired from a document discovered in Chow’s lair that designated the optimal shade of pink for her jacket to brainwash each of her competitors. Sitting cross-armed in order to optimize the effectiveness of her jacket, Chow had uncontested control of the room as students and faculty were left at her mercy.
At first John Tory refused to comment on his opponent’s potential Lex Luther-style accusations, but after careful questioning he ended up uttering the phrase “buses, buses, buses.”
Eyeopener staff attempted to contact former candidates Karen Stintz and David Socknacki for comment but were only able to get voicemail recordings of, “Buses, buses, buses.”
Students are advised to stay away from anywhere Olivia Chow could be potentially using the word “buses.”
It’s beginning to become clear that Chow may have a bigger influence th- buses buses buses buses buses buses buses buses buses.
Leave a Reply