By Nicole Schmidt
You can’t call yourself a university student until you’ve mastered the art of procrastination — a skill that takes commitment and a special kind of talent. The following tactics are proven to be highly effective in avoiding school work and other day-to-day tasks.
Note: if you are currently reading this instead of doing something important, you’re already on the right track.
1. Get an exotic pet (or a dog)
Having a pet is essentially like having a child — those things take up a lot of time and energy. Essay to write? Too bad. You’re responsible for another life now. It only seems suiting that you take your Albanian spider monkey on a leisurely stroll across the city and back before tackling anything else on your to-do list.
2. Re-connect with every person on your Facebook friends list that you haven’t seen in the past five years
Remember that one kid that you sat beside during Grade 6 art class? You should probably send him a message and see how he’s doing.
3. Learn how to change a tire
Knowing how to change a tire is like knowing how to say, “where’s the bathroom” in French — a skill that could help you out of an unfortunate predicament one day.
4. Read L. D. Groban’s 4,080 page poem, A Cure for Insomnia
If you read at a rate of one page per minute, it should only take you two days and 20 hours to finish this poem — that’s almost three days of wasted study time!
5. Take a nap (see above)
6. Rifle through the giant stack of flyers you just received in the mail and clip all of the coupons
You’re not going to leave all of those coupons for recycling, are you? Think of the possibilities: Oreos, two boxes for $2, chocolate milk, 99 cents, the list goes on and on. TLC had it right — extreme couponing is a hobby that should be taken seriously.
7. Go shopping with the coupons
Now that you’ve gone through the trouble of cutting out all of the coupons, it would be criminal not to go use them.
8. Eat all of the food you just bought using the coupons
It only seems suiting that you reward yourself for all of your hard work. Plus, food fuels the brain. This will be extremely beneficial when you sit down to do the homework you’ve been meaning to start…whenever that day comes.
9. Create a Club Penguin account
The internet is a wonderful and glorious place where you’ll find an infinite number of ways to waste your time.
10. Delete your club penguin account
Who are we kidding? You’ve hit rock bottom.