By Nick Dunne
Tattoos used to be a sign that you were a bad motherfucker. Tattoos meant something. You don’t fuck with a guy who has a tattoo of Satan snorting coke off a tortured soul on his arm.
These days if you want a piece of skin art that really means something, get a stick and poke. Here are a few tips if you were thinking of getting the tattoo you never wanted, but were too drunk to stop yourself.
One: Don’t do it
It hurts, looks like a connect-the-dots puzzle for kids and is something you’ll probably (and when I say probably, I mean definitely) regret. However, there are some exceptions to step one. If you have no decency or shame, have your birthday today or enjoy connect-the-dot puzzles, you may continue.
Two: Buy some black india ink
You can acquire this at any art supply store — just keep your head down and don’t look at the cashier in the eye. His piercing look of condescension will shame you from buying your ink. You will have gone to the store for nothing and wasted an hour that could’ve been spent crying about your sad, meaningless life. That’s precious, character-building time. Don’t rob yourself of it.
Three: Find a needle
This could be a safety pin, tack, thin nail, or heaven forbid, a tattoo needle. Find one by sifting through your dad’s heroin kit, or by going to a store. Don’t look at me for where to buy it. I don’t know where to get pins or needles, unless you’re talking about that weird tingling sensation that you get when you wake up feeling funny.
Four: Decide what you want get tattooed
My advice: get something meaningless. You always look like a dick when you’re explaining the contrived meaning behind your tattoo. I don’t care if your Chinese dragon is about your fiery spirit and determination. That’s stupid. Quit trying to act smart and clever. You aren’t. Asshole. Get yourself something that looks cool, because fuck it, it looks cool. Also, for stick and pokes, keep it basic. Your friend isn’t an artist — even if he or she has a DevianArt account that posts Adventure Time fan art. The more basic it is, the less pain you’ll go through and less likely your friend will fuck it up. I suggest a cube. Why? Because cubes are fucking cool.
Five: Decide where you want to get tattooed
You may want to your cube tattooed somewhere that your parents won’t easily see — like your penis. Joking aside, think carefully about this. Bony or tendon parts tend to hurt a lot more than somewhere that’s just muscle. That’s why the leg is a solid choice, especially if you can’t commit to your arm. It’s less noticeable, so your boss won’t see that teardrop tattoo on your cheek.
Unless you want a Hepatitis C from your dad’s heroin-needle-turned-DIY-tattoo-gun, sterilize it. Boil up some water, or soak it with rubbing alcohol that you stole from your mom’s stash. You should also sterilize your skin. Shave the area you want tattooed and pour the boiling water on it. That’ll get rid of the bacteria. It may also get rid of your outer skin layer, but that’s beside the point. Remember kids, safety first. Clean yourself and your needle.
Seven: Get wasted
This is going to hurt. Aspirin is a blood thinner so you’ll bleed more when your friend begins to stab you. Bad idea. Keep your blood and drink as much alcohol as you can beforehand. Drink about as much you normally do to forget about your painful existence. If you drink enough, it’ll feel like the aforementioned pins and needles you get when you wake up funny. Alternatively, you can drink until you pass out, but you may wake up with a DRAKE tattoo across your forehead. You’ll also wake up with one less friend.
Eight: Draw it out in pen
Have your friend sketch the cube on your penis. This gives your friend a point of reference and is also a test as to whether or not he or she is sober enough for this. If the lines are straight, you’re good to go. If not, wait another hour and give them a slap to sober them up. If the lines are straight, but a little skewed, cut your bud some slack. They’re only human. If it’s on your penis, hopefully your partner will only see your poorly drawn tattoo. If they dump you over it, they probably didn’t like you for you are. I mean, Jesus. You have a cube on your dick. If they don’t dump you, your partner is keeper. They see past your external idiocy. Think of it as a test.
Nine: Stab, baby, stab
Hold your breath. Don’t twitch. Twitchers are bitch…ers. The less you whine and fidget, the better a job your friend will do. Suck it up. Save the crying for when your parents disown you. You were the family outcast anyway. They never loved you. This was just the perfect excuse to get rid of you. Sorry to burst your bubble, but living a lie isn’t healthy, and damnit, I only care.
Ten: Forever regret your decision
See, this is the best part of stick and pokes. You can show it at parties or to your friends and laugh at how stupid you are. It creates conversation. It’s a good story. And if someone cute laughs at it, you know they’ve passed the test. It serves as a filter to those who won’t like you. Heck, use it for your Tinder profile — you’ll save yourself the time of going on flakey dates and one night stands. Trust me, I know.