Illustration: Mike Thequan-Phung

Tips to survive da club

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By Robert Mackenzie

If you’re like me, you love it when someone random on campus hands you a club invitation. You’ve been handpicked for this event and it feels pretty special.  Only 10 dollars to get in? What a deal! Ladies’ night? That sounds promising! Time to cancel your Friday routine of buying plain potato chips and watching TV alone in your basement and head out to the club! Here are some useful tips for the perfect night out.

Tip #1: Dress to Impress

This may be the night that you meet your future spouse, so you’re going to want an outfit that demands attention when you enter the room.  Make sure you put enough gel in your hair so that it feels like a freshly mowed lawn. The gel will make your hair shiny like Reggie Mantle (the ladies’ man and universally loved character from Archie comics)!

Tip #2: Spray Yourself

Clubs are notoriously dark, so you’re going to want to spray yourself with an entire can of aerosol cologne. People will have a much easier time finding you with your strong scent.  Some fruit flies find mates and breed based on fragrance, so the aerosol spray could help you meet that special someone!

Tip #3: Bring Pen and Paper

Now that you’re looking good, you’re going to have to deal with people asking for your contact info.  After a night of grinding with a group of guys who seem too old to be doing this, be sure to take some digits down.  Be prepared with pen and paper so you can scribe these numbers quickly. If you have a contact book you can use that too.

Tip #4: Bring a Friend

I saw an episode of CSI Las Vegas where this serial killer would spike womens’ drinks and then kill them. He killed more than 10 women and had a dark and spooky cellar where he kept them. The creepy thing was that the murderer was actually pretty charming and just seemed like a normal guy; the women didn’t see it coming. Bring a friend. Don’t watch CSI.

Tip #5: Be Prepared for Potential Disasters

If the power were to go out in the club, your whole night would be ruined.  The music would stop and everyone would be forced to go home. Luckily, you brought a portable CD player. Now the party can go on all night as you play your favourite CDs. You may even be able to tune into AM talk radio! All of a sudden you’re the hero of the party and everyone will be buying you free drinks. Good thing you were prepared.

There you go. Useful and relevant tips for a night at the club. Enjoy your weekend.

It’s fine that you didn’t ask me to come because I’m going to be crazy busy anyway.  You probably already knew that though, right? Right?

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