By Doll Abillz
I’m student and amateur fry cook. Sadly, I got fired from my job at Arby’s and I can’t afford to pay rent anymore. I’ve been putting it off for three months, eating nothing but frozen curly fries and listening to my landlord bang on my door every day. I think he has a gun. What should I do? –Edgar
Edgar, come on now. Let’s get something straight: curly fries are the caviar of the fast food world. Your tone lacks appreciation for this rare, spiral delicacy; I don’t like it. Arby’s restaurants are a gem that is falling off the grid and your lay-off is evidence of this very crisis. Fortunately there is a solution to both their economic woes and your own rent rut. Listen closely. I will need you to you leave the shelter of your apartment, brave gunfire and sprint to the nearest bank. Take out a $1 million loan, in cash, and make a beeline for the very Arby’s location that fired your ass. Walk in there, set the briefcase down on the front counter, and ask for the Secret Menu Combo 99 with extra pickles (they’ll know exactly what you mean). They will lead you into a back closet tricked out with mops and shit. You will be forced to surrender the cash, answer an Arby’s trivia question – usually it’s about the slogan (Answer: “We have the meats.” (no joke)), and drink a shot of bleach. Henceforth you will have monopoly of the entire Arby’s corporation. The empire will be yours, Edgar. Godspeed.