Is coffee an ideal first date? Or complete shit? Our masterdebator-editors duke it out.
SIERRA BEIN: GO COFFEE It’s cheap! You’re already salvaging extra napkins from late night McDick’s adventures and sneaking Tim Horton’s sugar packets when you run out, so going out to dinner or a movie doesn’t seem very economical. Don’t be a prick about the place you go. Tim Hortons says that you don’t give a shit. Starbucks screams BA$IC. Try to be different, find a quiet local place out of the way.You can judge them by the beverage! If your date orders a Venti Half-Soy Nonfat Decaf Organic Double-Shot Gingerbread Frappuccino Extra Hot With Foam Whipped Cream Double Blended, One Sweet’N Low and One Nutrasweet, (take a deep breath) you might want to think again about what the future holds. You have a coffee snob on your hands, ladies and gentlemen. Also Sweet ’N Low is disgusting and made for fascists.
You are both sober! No alcohol means you are both your genuine, miserable selves. Sure, you might be a bit nervous, but don’t get me started on the weird fucking drinks your date could buy at the bar. The bar is a sacred place. Do not fuck up the relationship you have with the bar on this mediocre first date. The bar doesn’t talk back, doesn’t fight. The bar listens to you.
Good lighting! Met on Tinder? Met at the club? They can no longer hide behind the filters and vignettes of Instagram and the “perf” lighting of their Facebook selfie. They’ve pretty much already lied to you. How do you feel about that?
Tips to leave you with: The asker should probably pay for the askee. Gender is irrelevant. Do your homework, think of some conversation starters, but don’t be a goddamn journalist about it, we’re no fun on dates.
KEITH CAPSTICK: FUCK IT. A coffee date should be your first sign that the guy or girl who proposed it is both unoriginal and not that interested. I believe that finding something unique that he or she likes to do that you can both do together is the route to a proper first date. Both guys and girls, if put in the right setting, can sell themselves. A coffee date is the perfect place for someone to spew their bullshit “I’m the best, but I’m also humble” speech that makes them sound like the next Prince Charming and ends four or five dates later where you finally find out they’re a self-obsessed asshole and you’ve lost un-get-back-able hours of your life.
Trust me when I tell you that guys are calculated scumbags who will choose the most badass beverage that they don’t even enjoy to accompany the next hour of pre-thought-out verbiage.I beg you that the next time the smooth-talker asks you out for coffee you retort with an offer of paintball and knitting club, or whatever fucked up sub-hobby you hipsters are into. You’ll get to watch him turtle into the collar of his Ralph Lauren shirt that he doesn’t want you to know he bought at a thrift shop while sweat runs down his legs into his not-so-retro Air Jordans.
Also, if you’re going to participate in this vomitrocious societal custom, pay for your own damn coffee, break at least one mould. I also feel like I should take this oppourtunity to publically ridicule Sierra Bein for being a corrupt motherfucker. She’s only writing in favour of coffee dates because she is in cahoots with coffee!
Yeah, you heard it here first folks, the girl and coffee are best friends and she’ll stop at nothing to promote that caffeinated garbage.