Photo: Marta Iwanek

Levy to stay, tearfully

In Fun & Satire /

By Nida Omar
The wait is over — Ryerson’s offi-cial presidential search committee has decided to disclose the name of Ryerson’s new president.
After 13 months of gruelling research with the help of Spencer Stuart, a “leading global executive search and leadership consulting firm,” the committee has reached a unanimous decision. The candidate’s name was spontaneously released at a goodbye gala held for outgoing president Sheldon Levy.
“Our headhunting skills are unmatched! It’s Ryerson against the world! I could not think of a more impeccable candidate. It’s really a wonder how we didn’t think of him earlier!” gushed an excited member of the committee. It appears that Levy is also excited to end his 10-year legacy at Ryerson. An anonymous source overheard him discussing his retirement plans by the men’s room.“He said he’s thrilled to finally be able to step down from his role,” the anonymous source told The Eyeopener just before the announcement. “He’s so exhausted — he can’t imagine having to continue being president for another term! He’s going to ride his motorcycle every day down Church Street and contemplate about the true meaning of life in peace and isolation.”
The committee members at the event excitedly toasted Levy, with the audience chiming in.
 “Thank you…thank you…” Levy began as he stood up, reach-ing for the farewell speech in his jacket pocket. “What a pleasure it has been to work with Ryerson for so many years — ow!”
 Levy never got the chance to finish his little speech because a committee member accidentally jabbed her six-inch stiletto heel into his ankle.
Completely oblivious to this in-cident, the committee decided to proceed with their announcement regarding the new president.
 “Thank you Mr. Levy!” said a member of the committee as she hassled a wounded-looking Levy off the stage. “The candidate we have selected was a clear choice from the beginning. He’s everything we’re looking for in a president,” she continued before presenting the name.
“And the winner is… none other than Levy himself! After months of searching we’ve realized that Levy was the best fit for the job after all,” a member of Ryerson’s Board of Governors explained joyfully. It may have taken them 13 months and a 13-person commit-tee to figure that out but all’s well that ends well right?
Levy seemed baffled at this change of events. At the time of the announcement, he was seen choking on his drink, his farewell speech crumpled in his hands. However, that might have been due to the fact that his ankle had started to swell up

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