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Stephen Harper: the dress is black and blue

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By Emma Cosgrove

Did you think you were done with scumbag-internet-dress-shit? Think again. Prime Minister Stephen Harper stirred the steaming pot of misery at a press conference on Tuesday.

“This dress is a national security threat and the most pressing issue I have faced in my term in office,” Harper said at the conference. “We will be in a state of total war if we don’t act quickly. There is no question. The garment is black and blue.

“Our unbiased dress analysts have spoken. The white and gold supporters must change their opinion immediately or turn themselves in to CSIS. Anyone actively opposing the true colour of the dress by way of protest, riot, conversation, text, Tweet, twit, twat, telepathy, sign language or mere thought will be detained under jurisdiction of our anti-gold law Bill C-FITTY JUAN. We will have anti-gold surveillance teams working to moderate the daily activity  of all Canadians. That means pigeon bots and granny cams. Any questions?”

“What are you doing about First Natio–” someone yelled from the back of the room.

“Whoa, hold on” Harper interrupted. “You were just thinking about white and gold weren’t you? Take her away,” he cackled, motioning to his CSIS buds.

“YOUR OPINION IS WRONG!”

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