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Stephen Harper’s dress warfare

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By Dylan Freeman-Grist

OTTAWA – The Prime Minister’s office distanced itself yesterday from the disappearance of outspoken gold and white activist Don Cherry.

In a statement read by Conservative spokesperson Ron MacLean, the Harper government doubted any political wrongdoing in Cherry’s disappearance, chalking up the former NHL coach’s mysterious vanishing act to “most likely his own personal fashion issues catching up to him.”

The Feds were under immediate attack from the international community, particularly COGW (Coalition of Gold and White) nations, after Cherry was reported missing, as he was one of the last public speakers who claimed to see The Dress as gold and white. He was also undeterred in his defence of the white- and gold-seeing community since Harper called for their incarceration in Canada for treason.

Gold and white rebels in western Alberta announced from their compound in occupied Banff that they would be “taking measures into their own hands” to further pressure Ottawa, including “destroying one of Stevey’s precious fucking pipelines if need be,” in response to Cherry’s disappearance.

The scandal comes off the back of a recent announcement of a failure from the UN’s Dress Truth Search committee, which has been at work for 13 months since DED (Dress Emergence Day), attempting to find the objective colour of The Dress.

Committee chair Ban Ki-moon noted that the group “has finished its work and for practical reasons will not be continuing” because a number of members will no longer be available, either because of other commitments or because they “can’t fucking take it anymore.”

More to come.

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