Illustration: Alerena Diggity Downham, photo courtesy Wikimedia Commons

Trash to treasure for ‘Brian’

In Fun & Satire by Eyeopener StaffLeave a Comment

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By Emma Cosgrove

A landfill worker in Hamilton has won more than $400,000 worth of Tim Hortons “RRRoll Up the Rim to Win” prizes in the last month, confirming that every unrolled, discarded cup is a winner.

Brian, 31, has won two Toyota Camry vehicles, six prepaid Visa gift cards, four tablets, four smart TVs, two years of free coffee and 87 food and beverage prizes.

“Wading aimlessly through knee-high garbage for the past 10 years has finally paid off,” Brian said. “These cups are a gift from sweet mother of baby Cheezus. I am their saviour.”

Brian, who lives with his two cats, said he will sell one of the cars to buy landfill supplies and cat food.

“Gonna get me some new work gloves and a couple of packs of garbage bags,” he said, wiping away tears. “And I’ll tell you, my cats are gonna eat gourmet. Zinkers and Gary. Canned food for the rest of their lives! GOODBYE DRY AND TASTELESS KIBBLE!

“That is, until my fortune runs out,” he added darkly.

Brian stores his torn-out paper cup winnings in a secret built-in pocket in the back of his pants to make sure they don’t go missing.

“My ma designed the secret pocket. People keep asking if I’ve gained weight. I just chuckle because my butt’s stuffed with prizes,” he laughed, patting himself on the bum.

He plans to keep half of his winnings and distribute the rest amongst “the kind folks who hold the door at Tim Hortons” so they will “stop making [him] feel real sad” about “the capitalist system,” “class conflict” and the “detriments of humanity.”

Brian’s favourite Tim’s beverage is a triple-triple. “It’s like a warm milkshake!”

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