PHOTO: SIERRA BEIN

Funvertisement: Enzo Malone’s Love Factory

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By Enzo Malone

Hello. My name is Enzo Malone, and I would like to invite all Ryerson students to come on down to Enzo Malone’s Love Factory.

At my store you will find all of your sexual paraphernalia needs for low, low prices!

How confident am I in our prices? If you can find a lower price at any of our competitor’s stores, I will personally match it and give you my youngest son Ronny Malone, who I love very much — even though he’s not “technically” my son. That’s an Enzo guarantee!

At Enzo Malone’s Love Factory, we cut out paraphernalia salesman Baldwin Middlefoot — or as we call him, the “Middle Man,” to pass our factory sales right on to you!

Not only do we have the best prices, but all of our paraphernalia is made in Canada by workers who know a thing or two about both  the male and female anatomy (they are all former registered nurses)!

Just because my significant other refuses to be intimate with me, doesn’t mean that yours has to, and it certainly doesn’t mean that I don’t know great prices when I see ‘em!

So spark the flames in your relationship and stop by Enzo Malone’s Love Factory. Tell us you’re a Ryerson student and you will get 20 per cent off of your first purchase!

You’re just not going to find prices any better than this. That’s an Enzo guarantee!

With files from Robert Mackenzie

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