Toronto Metropolitan University's Independent Student Newspaper Since 1967

All Fun & Satire

Sheldon Levy hurt my feelings

Dear Mr. Levy,

My name is Robert. I’m the fun editor here at The Eyeopener. You probably don’t remember me, but last Wednesday I came up to your office to drop off some copies of The Eyeopener’s annual parody issue.

Week after week the fun section only gets one page in the paper — and half of that space is usually taken up by a crossword. But for the parody issue, I get to become the boss. The fun section gets a whole paper! We all worked really hard on the issue and I was proud of it.

So with a bundle of papers in tow, I was about to enter the office when out you walked. Heading toward the elevator with a confident, graceful stride, you asked if that was this week’s paper, took a copy, and went into the elevator.

I was charmed! Imagine me, just some kid out here in the big city, and the president of the whole university personally takes a copy of the paper that I worked really hard on! Wow!

I left the remaining bundles in your office and headed down the elevator myself, wondering what you thought of the paper. I wondered what your favourite article would be. Maybe the 1,000-year-old porn story tickled your wits, or perhaps the meatloaf in space story was your kind of humour. Little did I know you were building me up just to break me down.

I got off the elevator and was about to leave Jorgenson Hall when I noticed that familiar, confident stride. I saw you walk by one of our newsstands and put down your copy of the paper, a mere two minutes after I had first given it to you.

You may have thought that nobody was watching you, and that it was an innocent gesture, but I was watching you Sheldon. I was watching.

Maybe you think it’s ridiculous that a serious publication would dedicate an entire issue to nothing but farce. Maybe you think my job is a big joke?

You could try and tell me that you read it on the way down the elevator, but you’d be lying. Nobody can read that fast, not even you Sheldon! You didn’t read my paper, and it hurt my feelings.

I’ve always admired you. I can’t imagine how hard you’ve worked to become the president of this growing institution. Unfortunately, I will never be able to look at you the same way. After all the hours that I sacrificed in the making of that issue, I can’t get the image of you disregarding my paper out of my head.

I don’t know if our relationship will ever be the same after this. I don’t know if you can fix this, but I think an apology would go a long way.

[poll id=”59″]

Leave a Reply