By Nico Nidwanski
Most humans only make use of 10 per cent of their brains. But I am not most humans. My name is Nico Nidwanski, and I make use of 12 per cent of my brain.
What does this mean? It means that my senses are heightened, I am in touch with my body and I get good grades here at Ryerson.
I am able to see, hear and smell things that other humans can’t. For example, last week I walked to my girlfriend Dina’s door, and before I even entered I was able to hear the sound of her making love to another man.
I guess she wasn’t really my girlfriend. We hadn’t made anything official yet, but I definitely thought we were at a point in our relationship — or whatever you want to call it — where we weren’t sleeping with other people. In her defence, we never really said we were exclusive, but I guess I thought that kind of went without saying.
When my mom sent me away to Ryerson, she was worried that I would get caught up in a crazy social life and that my grades would suffer. However, she did not take into account that my brain’s powers would keep my grades high even though I was spending more time focusing on my social life and Dina.
Mom, I am proud to report that I am doing very well in my studies. Last week I got 84 per cent on an anthropology test, I got 92 per cent on a science pop quiz and I got 80 per cent on a sociology paper (which is pretty good considering the class average was 68).
I have taken out this Funvertisement to reassure my mom, but also to invite Ryerson students to come to a Trivial Pursuit tournament that I will be hosting.
Ever since I stopped talking to Dina I’ve had a lot of free time. I would like to make new friends, and I would like to meet people who also are fluent in the art of Trivial Pursuit. I don’t expect anyone to beat me — unless they are also able to use 12 per cent of their brain — but I will provide snacks and it will be fun and I hope someone comes. I may be able to access more of my brain than most humans, but I still know how to have a good time.
With files from Robert Mackenzie