By Enzo Malone
Hello. I’m Enzo Malone, and I’d like to invite all Ryerson students to a special weeklong sales event at Enzo Malone’s Love Factory.
In honour of The Eyeopener’s Love, Sex & Gender issue, my store will be offering a special discount on all sexual paraphernalia, but only for a limited time!
Do you want to get your wife Amelia a special belated Valentines gift because she decided to spend the weekend in Kingston visiting her Great Aunt Claire who you’ve never met, but has gotten really sick recently and apparently means a lot to your wife because she’s been spending a lot of weekends out there lately? We’ve got the best prices in town!
Enzo Malone’s Love Factory employs an award-winning staff that will help you find exactly what you’re looking for, for the lowest possible price. That’s an Enzo guarantee! (My oldest son and star employee, Patrick Malone, has won four total awards: a poetry slam runner up, two juvenile tennis championships and an employee of the month award here at the store)!
And this just in: we’ve recently expanded our stock of erotic fiction. We’ve got the biggest selection in town, and you know we’re offering them at lower prices than any of our competitors! Read up so you can be just like one of those Men’s Health guys you catch your wife looking at before bed.
Here at Enzo Malone’s Love Factory, we understand that students can’t afford to pay through-the-roof prices just to have some fun. So tell us The Eyeopener sent you to get the 20 per cent off discount.
You’re going to want to get here before this limited-time offer ends. That’s an Enzo guarantee!
With files from Robert Mackenzie