Illustration: Skyler Ash

How to be an adult

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By Skyler Ash

Responsibilities! Mortgage! Finances! Life insurance! Electric bills! Being an adult is scary and exhilarating. There’s nobody there to tell you not to eat cereal for every meal, not to jump on the couch and to put on some real clothes you useless slob!

So here are five ways to transform yourself into a real adult and not just an overly large child in a crumpled dress shirt.

1. Stop watching so many cartoons. Turn off the cartoons and turn on something of substance. Try the news, Law and Order or that weird channel that streams the House of Commons debates. On the other hand, cartoons are pretty sweet. And The Weekenders is about to start. Screw Hawaii Five-0, change the channel!

2. Buy a blazer. I can say with great authority that all adults wear blazers. It’s just a thing they do to distinguish themselves from the riffraff youth of today and their crop tops and ripped jeggings. Try going to The Hudson’s Bay Company or H&M; they seem to have nice stuff. But they also have sweatpants and you probably should pick up a new pair. Although, being a money-conscious adult, you should really only buy one thing. Get the sweatpants.

3. Get a credit card. Money you don’t have and probably can’t pay back: brought to you by credit cards! Adults have these in their wallets and they are very useful. You need one. You sign up for one. It arrives in the mail. You’re pretty jazzed at this point and you go spend a lot of money. The bill comes in. You can’t pay it back. You cry. You buy some ice cream. You cry some more. Don’t get a credit card.

4. Read more books. Real books. Your addiction to comic books and young adult fiction has gotten, quite frankly, embarrassing. Now’s the time to go to Chapters and head to the sections that hold actual literature. Try looking in the “Thrillers” or the “Biographies” section; adults like that kind of crap. Buy one — but get a gift receipt. Take it home, let it sit on your coffee table and then take it back in a week and use the refund money to buy one of those cool desktop bowling alley things they sell. Hours of fun!

5. Discuss current events. A lot is happening in the world today and it’s important that you, as a fully-grown person with interests other than Netflix and napping, know what’s up. Read the paper (online, you tech-savvy youth), flip on the news (on your tablet, you mobile rapscallion) and listen to the radio (you content-hungry spring chicken). Learn as much as you can about what is going on. But what’s going on is usually pretty sad. Don’t do those things. Just wrap yourself up in a blanket and go back to bed, because being an adult is hard and you deserve a break.

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