Photo: Annaliese Meyer

Can you pay my billz?

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By Annaliese Meyer

Life is tough, especially when you have so little in your bank account that grilled cheese and half rotten arugula basically looks like the meal that Captain Barbosa uses to tempt Elizabeth Swan to give him blood in Pirates of the Caribbean: the Curse of the Black Pearl. Who knew pirates had such fine pallets? Especially since they were cursed and couldn’t even taste it… I mean Barbosa himself said “food tastes like ash in our mouths.” And if it was all for Swan’s blood, why did Pintel say the crew was eating as well? Ugh so many plot holes  but I digress!

Since I don’t have a face like Beyoncé and a sweet angelic voice that could convince a gentleman caller he should pay my Rogers bill, I have come up with a few tips in order to avoid complete starvation. After all, food usually gets put on the back burner when there are things like internet to pay for. However, as my mother says “food is mood” so it’s time we get it together!

Firstly, make bulk meals that can literally feed you for a week straight. Try not to make something that you truly love or else by the end of that week you’ll never want to eat it again. Stick to weird stews you’d see in Braveheart or Lord of the Rings that look as though a rabbit was slaughtered and dumped in a pot of lake water and some grass! I’d recommend a bay leaf instead of grass though; you’re not an animal! or a hobbit from the Shire. If only…

Secondly, remember all those freezer bread ends you’ve left for really desperate days? Well it’s time to whip those out! Make delicious faux garlic bread by mincing up some garlic and mixing it with parmesan and butter to jazz that insanely old bread up! You know if it was left on the counter it would be ash by now but who cares? Oh- and since you probably don’t have parmesan, a nice substitute could be those marble “cheese” strings I know you’ve got. And there you have it, breakfast for at least three days.

Thirdly, when your frozen bread ends run out move onto those frozen peas that have been in there for about a year. Buy a bag of rice, and fry the two up to make yourself some decadent pea rice! Basically you can mix anything with rice and fry it up. Chick peas, a can of beans, premium plus crackers, and don’t forget that sad and lonely baby dill pickle in the very far left corner of your fridge that has been gestating in salty juice for over six months. You remember salt right? It will provide your meal a little flavour. After all, you’re not a medieval king waiting for the next shipment of cinnamon from India. You’re savvy enough to work with what you have!

Finally when all else fails and your fridge is literally empty start selling your prized possessions for grocery money. Who needs that third pair of Doc Martins? Vintage clothing is a thing now so even if you have funky feet juices that will never dissipate, it’s totally vintage someone will totally buy them off of you. Or just ask your parents for money. They don’t need to make their final mortgage payment. You need pizza.

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